Stop whatever you're doing right now and open a new browser window. Go to Orbitz.com and book yourself a flight to Bali immediately. Everything else can wait, you need to be here right now!!!
Imagine: White sand beaches, turquoise water, bijillions of fishes, many of them delicious. The rooms are cheap, the delicious food is cheap, the drinks are cheap. There are no cars here, only bicycles and pony-drawn carriages. Locals are friendly, tourists from all over the world are friendly and most are under 35. No cops. And kitties everywhere!!!
I am definitely in love with Gili T in a big big way, and not just because it's an 8 year olds' dream with all the kittens and ponies everywhere. Just the vibe of this place is incredible!!! I keep thinking about that movie The Beach and wonder, "fuck Leo! Spare yourself the drama, you coulda just found paradise here bro!!"
However, there are some drawbacks to this island paradise. It is very very warm and humid, and I spend most of my time being sticky. This is unfortunate as there is no fresh water on this island; yes, even the shower and tap water is extremely saline. I am also covered in bug bites, the skeeters are apparently in love with my maple-syrop blood. Another big drawback is Ryan has an explosive ass, and hasn't been in the best shape for the past 24 hours. He's a bit of a sucky baby when he doesn't feel well but is coming around a bit today and hopes to be in fighting form tomorrow.
I am so so so glad we're here now as planned and didn't just log all our time in Kuta straight away. Kuta is the big party scene in Bali and is chock-full of dickheads in Bintang singlets spewing all over the streets. Lots of cars and garbage and stray dogs and titty girls... was just talking to some folks who went surfing in Kuta and said they came out of the ocean covered in shreds of plastic bags.
Most shocking thing so far about Gili T, besides the sweltering heat of course, is the complete lack of police presence and party party atmosphere and lack of theft. It's the most incredible example of the honour system I've ever seen in my life!! Posters everywhere advertising "bloody-ripper" fungus products and people asking in the streets if you'd like to partake in this and that... but all the tourists are so well behaved!!!
The island operates on a 1-night-on-1-night-off system, with bumping parties every other night. On our first party night it was pissing (warm) rain and it was like a scene out of a Britney Spears video: dozens of wasted youngins drunk off their asses and writhing and wet in the streets. It was beautiful. :-)
So, I'm going to get out there and enjoy more of it... but just wanted to let you know how important it is that you get here as soon as possible before the rest of the world finds out how rad this place is. ;-)
Friday, December 16, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Songs and Videos of Melbourne
Because music and memories are like peas and carrots...
Clap Yo Hands
Disco Disco Disco Disco
Chicks on Longboards
Ready to Go
Clap Yo Hands
Disco Disco Disco Disco
Chicks on Longboards
Ready to Go
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Old Dog, New Tricks
I am 27 years old and yesterday I learned how to skateboard.
I've actually learned how to longboard, which is like the equivalent of owning a scooter and saying you know how to ride a crotch rocket, but it's pretty fun and I've enjoyed spending the last two days cruising along the St. Kilda boardwalk in the sun.
This newfound skill is due in large part to my new pal Li (Short for Lideweine or a similar difficult-to-pronounce Dutch name) who just purchased her new board the day before yesterday when we were walking around town together. Li and are became fast friends over sushi, as can often happen, and we've spent the last three-ish days cruising around together, skating and having picnics. We went to the salt baths again too, which was heaven, because the day before we walked around the CBD for about 7 hours. :-O And then directly after that, I went to a pole dance class. Luckily for my body it was a total joke.
I walked into the Pole Princess St. Kilda location at 6:15, early for class, and was handed a waiver and asked for my $15. I should have known from the two chicks at the front desk being completely absorbed in their iPhones that this experience was going to be a little different from the style I was familiar with back in Victoria. I asked them where the change room was and they vaguely waived me towards a back room on the other side of their lovely studio, mirrors all around, about 9 brass poles and a stage up front with a pole. "Oooh a stage for everyone to do performances!" I thought. Ha.
At 6:35 a super-fit Asian chick sauntered into the room, one of the girls that was texting up front earlier, and asked flat out who had been there before. About half the class raised their hands and she shrugged and plugged in her iPod. We began warm up with sneakers on, her barking out aerobic moves that half the girls knew and the other half, me included, kind of figured out along the way.
We were then instructed to go change, and thankfully I brought a pair of heels just in case as there was no mention of this on the website or on the phone. All the girls in the class donned their high heels, no one in the class danced barefoot. Also weird.
Scary lady comes out to the front and steps onto the stage - ah, now I see how this is going to go. She announces that we will be learning two moves today, three if we're lucky. Uh...... ok. Thanks?
First move we learn is the Lola or some crap - essentially a starfish with a showgirl on the end of it (my apologies for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's a backward spinny thing and not that hard). She demos it a couple times, barks out 12 things to remember while executing this 1.5 second move, and then walks around the class picking everyone apart. Now, I'm hip to dancing and can take critique to improve technique, but she was so rude I had to hold myself back from slapping her. First-time girls' faces crumbled as they did their best and the instructor responded with a "yeah.... kind of, just clean it up a bit" and walked on.
Second move, the foxy. This was a fireman spin with a kind of split grip... and God help you if your hands weren't exactly where she told you to put them. Scary.
Third move - ooh bonus! - she didn't even give a name I don't think and basically you reach your hands behind your head, grab the pole and then slip down to do the splits. An excellent move to show people who had never been on a pole before, but she did say "most of you won't get this but I'll show you anyway." Thanks! Some of you may have seen me try to execute this before with mixed results so I didn't mind that it didn't go super smooth, but some poor girls just couldn't even hold themselves up that way and felt all left out.
And then, finally, all of this built up to my favourite thing in the whole world - choreography!!!!!! :-D
As a group we were directed to go through all of these moves to crap music, plus about a dozen others like the body wave and the 180 that I knew and some of the regular girls knew but the teacher didn't actually demonstrate. At all. Now my freestyle spirit likes to dance to my own drum, however, in this scenario this was not acceptable. You land your spin on the wrong side, you get yelled at. Start on a beat other than "1" and you get yelled at. Do that body wave too slow or fast? Voted off the fucking island. So. so. so so. soooooooooooo stupid.
It's 7:15 and I think, "Ok, time for stretching and the chatty portion, this will be nice." Nope, you just stand there and the instructor tells you about the Pole Princess Ponzi Scheme and how there are 7 levels but most people can expect to repeat them several times. If you take casual pole, as that class was, well my friend you are Shit Outta Luck because she tends to teach the same moves in that all the time, and unless you sign up for Level 1 you're screwed. Then she does a pretty wicked demo of some quite impressive acrobatic moves and tells the girls they can maybe be like this one day if they enroll with Pole Princess and come to class 3 times a week for 3 years.
Now, some of you may know that I don't like it when people tell me to do something an exact way. This is why I quit piano and why I do most of my pole knowledge via youtube - because I do it to feel happy and have fun and I figure if it floats it's a fucking boat. So this class rubbed my the wrong way big time. It amazed me that about half the girls were die-hards who came to casual pole every few weeks and were quite stoked to learn the same moves all the time and probably never really improve.
After the class I was interested to have a chat with the instructor and talk about how the classes I was familiar with in Canada were very freestyle, not so much about the choreography and very into modifying moves for various levels of ability. Didn't really get that chance though as she'd already fled to the front desk to play on her iPhone, without even saying good evening to the class. Un. Real.
So, I was a bit let down with the Pole Princess group and wish them the very best success for a business that treats their clients like dumb dogshit. Good luck!
As they say, where one door closes another opens, and later that night I went down to the beach to check out the sunset with Li and this is where I took a stab at skateboarding for the first time. I ride with my left foot in front, she prefers to have her right foot forward, but amazingly we both cruise along just fine together doing whatever the eff we feel like. And we have fun doing it!
I've actually learned how to longboard, which is like the equivalent of owning a scooter and saying you know how to ride a crotch rocket, but it's pretty fun and I've enjoyed spending the last two days cruising along the St. Kilda boardwalk in the sun.
This newfound skill is due in large part to my new pal Li (Short for Lideweine or a similar difficult-to-pronounce Dutch name) who just purchased her new board the day before yesterday when we were walking around town together. Li and are became fast friends over sushi, as can often happen, and we've spent the last three-ish days cruising around together, skating and having picnics. We went to the salt baths again too, which was heaven, because the day before we walked around the CBD for about 7 hours. :-O And then directly after that, I went to a pole dance class. Luckily for my body it was a total joke.
I walked into the Pole Princess St. Kilda location at 6:15, early for class, and was handed a waiver and asked for my $15. I should have known from the two chicks at the front desk being completely absorbed in their iPhones that this experience was going to be a little different from the style I was familiar with back in Victoria. I asked them where the change room was and they vaguely waived me towards a back room on the other side of their lovely studio, mirrors all around, about 9 brass poles and a stage up front with a pole. "Oooh a stage for everyone to do performances!" I thought. Ha.
At 6:35 a super-fit Asian chick sauntered into the room, one of the girls that was texting up front earlier, and asked flat out who had been there before. About half the class raised their hands and she shrugged and plugged in her iPod. We began warm up with sneakers on, her barking out aerobic moves that half the girls knew and the other half, me included, kind of figured out along the way.
We were then instructed to go change, and thankfully I brought a pair of heels just in case as there was no mention of this on the website or on the phone. All the girls in the class donned their high heels, no one in the class danced barefoot. Also weird.
Scary lady comes out to the front and steps onto the stage - ah, now I see how this is going to go. She announces that we will be learning two moves today, three if we're lucky. Uh...... ok. Thanks?
First move we learn is the Lola or some crap - essentially a starfish with a showgirl on the end of it (my apologies for those who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's a backward spinny thing and not that hard). She demos it a couple times, barks out 12 things to remember while executing this 1.5 second move, and then walks around the class picking everyone apart. Now, I'm hip to dancing and can take critique to improve technique, but she was so rude I had to hold myself back from slapping her. First-time girls' faces crumbled as they did their best and the instructor responded with a "yeah.... kind of, just clean it up a bit" and walked on.
Second move, the foxy. This was a fireman spin with a kind of split grip... and God help you if your hands weren't exactly where she told you to put them. Scary.
Third move - ooh bonus! - she didn't even give a name I don't think and basically you reach your hands behind your head, grab the pole and then slip down to do the splits. An excellent move to show people who had never been on a pole before, but she did say "most of you won't get this but I'll show you anyway." Thanks! Some of you may have seen me try to execute this before with mixed results so I didn't mind that it didn't go super smooth, but some poor girls just couldn't even hold themselves up that way and felt all left out.
And then, finally, all of this built up to my favourite thing in the whole world - choreography!!!!!! :-D
As a group we were directed to go through all of these moves to crap music, plus about a dozen others like the body wave and the 180 that I knew and some of the regular girls knew but the teacher didn't actually demonstrate. At all. Now my freestyle spirit likes to dance to my own drum, however, in this scenario this was not acceptable. You land your spin on the wrong side, you get yelled at. Start on a beat other than "1" and you get yelled at. Do that body wave too slow or fast? Voted off the fucking island. So. so. so so. soooooooooooo stupid.
It's 7:15 and I think, "Ok, time for stretching and the chatty portion, this will be nice." Nope, you just stand there and the instructor tells you about the Pole Princess Ponzi Scheme and how there are 7 levels but most people can expect to repeat them several times. If you take casual pole, as that class was, well my friend you are Shit Outta Luck because she tends to teach the same moves in that all the time, and unless you sign up for Level 1 you're screwed. Then she does a pretty wicked demo of some quite impressive acrobatic moves and tells the girls they can maybe be like this one day if they enroll with Pole Princess and come to class 3 times a week for 3 years.
Now, some of you may know that I don't like it when people tell me to do something an exact way. This is why I quit piano and why I do most of my pole knowledge via youtube - because I do it to feel happy and have fun and I figure if it floats it's a fucking boat. So this class rubbed my the wrong way big time. It amazed me that about half the girls were die-hards who came to casual pole every few weeks and were quite stoked to learn the same moves all the time and probably never really improve.
After the class I was interested to have a chat with the instructor and talk about how the classes I was familiar with in Canada were very freestyle, not so much about the choreography and very into modifying moves for various levels of ability. Didn't really get that chance though as she'd already fled to the front desk to play on her iPhone, without even saying good evening to the class. Un. Real.
So, I was a bit let down with the Pole Princess group and wish them the very best success for a business that treats their clients like dumb dogshit. Good luck!
As they say, where one door closes another opens, and later that night I went down to the beach to check out the sunset with Li and this is where I took a stab at skateboarding for the first time. I ride with my left foot in front, she prefers to have her right foot forward, but amazingly we both cruise along just fine together doing whatever the eff we feel like. And we have fun doing it!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Dance, Destiny and a Sunday Drive
I've landed a gig here at the hostel as a kind of event coordinator/ dance instructor. There are two poles located in the bar and I've offered up my services to teach girls and guys how to dance. So on Thursday night and Saturday night I went down to the bar here at Base and hung out for a while chatting with folks and getting free drinks for my entertaining services.
On Thursday I went down with Nebh and one of her Irish friends and got on it a bit, danced like a maniac. Ended up down at the beach with three 17 year old dancer chicks and their two super gay musical theatre pals drinking vodka and cranberry in the moonlight. We got very very hammered and one of the girls ended up basking on the sand like an elephant seal and had to do a tactical vom. So cute as she dug a little hole in the sand, spewed in it and then covered it up again like some kind of horrible drunken critter. There may or may not have been some drunken girl kissing on the beach but I certainly don't condone fooling around with underage children or encouraging them to drink. Certainly not.
This pales in comparison to last night which turned into a BLINDER. Cruised down to the bar by myself last night and said to the girls in the dorm that I was just going to have a couple and try to turn in early. Ha.
In the elevator on the way down I ran into a group of very nice Irish girls and had a few rounds with them at the bar, then a group of Kiwi dudes came up and chatted us all up for a bit, then met a group of Melbourne guys who were very rad. A miracle! I'm at the backpacker bar AND I'm having enjoyable conversations. AT THE SAME TIME.
Having a great time chatting with so many interesting people, then suddenly get a funny feeling, like The Quickening of the immortals in Highlander.
Now here's where I start feeling like fate is fucking with me in a big nasty way. Not testing me, like Jesus testing me or something, but just straight up telling me to go eff myself. I look over and who do I see at the bar but Aussie Ben, a summer fling from last year. The gorgeous blonde lifeguard one with half a thumb and a beautiful chiseled body. wtf.
There are what, 3 million people in Melbourne?? Are you fucking kidding me???
Decision time: Do I play it off, go back to my conversations and just ignore him? I think y'all know me a bit better than that. :-)
I lurk on him super sly for a little while, mostly out of politeness as he has some blonde skag bag fawning all over him and I didn't want to eff his game. We ended our brief situation on a good note... actually in hindsight we didn't even really end it we just kind of stopped texting each other as I met Ryan right around that time.
Quickly I tire of this waiting to pounce thing and head outside for some fresh air, then I see him and his pack of buddies walk by. I lean over and ask one of them, "hey, is that guy Ben?"
"Oy! Benny!! This American girl wants to talk to you!!"
He turns and his jaw hits the pavement. Then the biggest shit eating grin I've seen since the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland. "Hay gorgeous, how ya goin?"
Oh fuck me I'm in trouble.
Witty banter and I'm traveling and this and that and oh I'm so cool I just barely remember you and your beautiful Adonis body. Fuck. ><
He pulls me into his firm Australian chest and whispers in my ear that his apartment is just around the corner, and for a moment I'm engulfed in flames and his glorious scent. One of the girls in the room is reading out trivia right now and says that scent is the sense that is most strongly associated with memory. No shit Sherlock.
I steel myself and straight arm him, coyly looking away and telling him I can't hook up with him, resisting every animal intention screaming white fire throughout the fibres of my existence. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"Wot you have a boyfriend or something? aahahaha" Apparently I really came off as the can't-tie-me-down type. o.O "C'mon gorgeous, area codes. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
This is where I start getting angry. Excuse me you prick, just because you are an amazing specimen of masculinity and all that is bangable, what right do you have to try and tell me that it's a good idea to torch my life and hurt my soul mate. You fuck head. No Anna, be calm. He is used to being irresistible and has probably never experienced this kind of protest before, and certainly not from you. Ahem.
Our exchange ends with me giving him my cell number in case I'm with a bunch of girls and we can all meet up at the bar. I don't actually intend to do this of course,but at this stage I think it'd be less risky to smear myself in ground beef and go for a dip in the ocean. It's the most gracious exit I can fathom so don't feel any guilt for it... and I can't help but enjoy the fact that he's texted me four times since that encounter and I haven't responded to a single one. :-D
Recoiling from this pimp slap in the face from fate, I head back into the bar and start chatting with the table again. I end up getting along so so well with this dude Jack, a 6"3 ginger ninja with a serious metrosexual vibe. I told him straight away about the boyfriend situation but he kept on talking to me and buying me beers. I feared for awhile that he was just waiting for the roofies to kick in but we both just kept yakking and pounding back the pints. I tried to smack his wallet out of his hands for all the rounds he was buying but he said to me he just really enjoyed talking to someone real. Oh. My. God. Are you a rainbow too Bob Marley??
I head over to the pole and get the crowd into it and end up dancing like a fucking MANIAC all night long. We shut down the bar, but just keep talking and talking and decide to head to the beach. We walk down to the water and then he leads us to a sharp left along this quiet road and opens the garden gate to one of the houses on the block. Oh fuck, here comes the date rape. He's skinny and I think I could at least land a good strike and run, but he's a footy player so he'd probably outrun me and my paper bag lungs...
But it's fine! He just goes into his room to pick up his hoodie, introduces me to his house cat and we leave in 10 seconds to go down to the water. It's windy as hell so he walks me home but we drunkenly make plans to head to Torquay Bay tomorrow. hahah cheers cheers night night.
8.30am and I hear my phone buzzing. 2 missed calls and 2 texts from Ben and 1 msg from Jack that says he's down to come pick me up at 10am if that's not too early. Oh shit he meant it! I'm going on a road trip today!!! Yay!!!
I tell the ladies of my dorm what I'm up to, leaving them an ETA of when I'll be home and Jack's phone number in case I don't return and the authorities need to be alerted. Yeah, it's kind of silly to jump into the car of a random dude you met at the bar the night before... and maybe after the Toddy situation in Canberra I shouldn't press my luck... but I haven't got this far by making bad decisions and trust my gut.
Wolf down breakfast and head downstairs where he's parked outside in his work truck. I jump in the car and it's like we've been friends for years, yakkity yak as we drive out of the city and out onto the infamous Ocean road. I absolutely get high off the feeling of putting miles behind me and venturing into new uncharted territory and am STOKED.
***Road trip theme song.***
Proud to report no date rape, lots and lots of laughter and funny jokes and the best afternoon I've had in Melbourne to date. He tells me this is the best Sunday he's had in 2011 and I can tell he means it. He insisted on buying me lunch and coffee and driving me to all the beast beaches, asking only that I do the same for him if he comes to Canada. What a sweetie!! He drops me off at the door of the hostel at 4:30 and I leave feeling like I've made a rad rad friend, a kindred spirit, a miracle in a city where so many people have been so incredibly rude and/ or vapid.
We'll probably hang out again before I leave on Friday, maybe go to the pool after his football practice. I have booked some pole dance classes for Monday to Wednesday so I could probably use some after workout relaxation and I can always use good company. :-)
On Thursday I went down with Nebh and one of her Irish friends and got on it a bit, danced like a maniac. Ended up down at the beach with three 17 year old dancer chicks and their two super gay musical theatre pals drinking vodka and cranberry in the moonlight. We got very very hammered and one of the girls ended up basking on the sand like an elephant seal and had to do a tactical vom. So cute as she dug a little hole in the sand, spewed in it and then covered it up again like some kind of horrible drunken critter. There may or may not have been some drunken girl kissing on the beach but I certainly don't condone fooling around with underage children or encouraging them to drink. Certainly not.
This pales in comparison to last night which turned into a BLINDER. Cruised down to the bar by myself last night and said to the girls in the dorm that I was just going to have a couple and try to turn in early. Ha.
In the elevator on the way down I ran into a group of very nice Irish girls and had a few rounds with them at the bar, then a group of Kiwi dudes came up and chatted us all up for a bit, then met a group of Melbourne guys who were very rad. A miracle! I'm at the backpacker bar AND I'm having enjoyable conversations. AT THE SAME TIME.
Having a great time chatting with so many interesting people, then suddenly get a funny feeling, like The Quickening of the immortals in Highlander.
Now here's where I start feeling like fate is fucking with me in a big nasty way. Not testing me, like Jesus testing me or something, but just straight up telling me to go eff myself. I look over and who do I see at the bar but Aussie Ben, a summer fling from last year. The gorgeous blonde lifeguard one with half a thumb and a beautiful chiseled body. wtf.
There are what, 3 million people in Melbourne?? Are you fucking kidding me???
Decision time: Do I play it off, go back to my conversations and just ignore him? I think y'all know me a bit better than that. :-)
I lurk on him super sly for a little while, mostly out of politeness as he has some blonde skag bag fawning all over him and I didn't want to eff his game. We ended our brief situation on a good note... actually in hindsight we didn't even really end it we just kind of stopped texting each other as I met Ryan right around that time.
Quickly I tire of this waiting to pounce thing and head outside for some fresh air, then I see him and his pack of buddies walk by. I lean over and ask one of them, "hey, is that guy Ben?"
"Oy! Benny!! This American girl wants to talk to you!!"
He turns and his jaw hits the pavement. Then the biggest shit eating grin I've seen since the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland. "Hay gorgeous, how ya goin?"
Oh fuck me I'm in trouble.
Witty banter and I'm traveling and this and that and oh I'm so cool I just barely remember you and your beautiful Adonis body. Fuck. ><
He pulls me into his firm Australian chest and whispers in my ear that his apartment is just around the corner, and for a moment I'm engulfed in flames and his glorious scent. One of the girls in the room is reading out trivia right now and says that scent is the sense that is most strongly associated with memory. No shit Sherlock.
I steel myself and straight arm him, coyly looking away and telling him I can't hook up with him, resisting every animal intention screaming white fire throughout the fibres of my existence. Fuck fuck fuck fuck.
"Wot you have a boyfriend or something? aahahaha" Apparently I really came off as the can't-tie-me-down type. o.O "C'mon gorgeous, area codes. What he doesn't know won't hurt him."
This is where I start getting angry. Excuse me you prick, just because you are an amazing specimen of masculinity and all that is bangable, what right do you have to try and tell me that it's a good idea to torch my life and hurt my soul mate. You fuck head. No Anna, be calm. He is used to being irresistible and has probably never experienced this kind of protest before, and certainly not from you. Ahem.
Our exchange ends with me giving him my cell number in case I'm with a bunch of girls and we can all meet up at the bar. I don't actually intend to do this of course,but at this stage I think it'd be less risky to smear myself in ground beef and go for a dip in the ocean. It's the most gracious exit I can fathom so don't feel any guilt for it... and I can't help but enjoy the fact that he's texted me four times since that encounter and I haven't responded to a single one. :-D
Recoiling from this pimp slap in the face from fate, I head back into the bar and start chatting with the table again. I end up getting along so so well with this dude Jack, a 6"3 ginger ninja with a serious metrosexual vibe. I told him straight away about the boyfriend situation but he kept on talking to me and buying me beers. I feared for awhile that he was just waiting for the roofies to kick in but we both just kept yakking and pounding back the pints. I tried to smack his wallet out of his hands for all the rounds he was buying but he said to me he just really enjoyed talking to someone real. Oh. My. God. Are you a rainbow too Bob Marley??
I head over to the pole and get the crowd into it and end up dancing like a fucking MANIAC all night long. We shut down the bar, but just keep talking and talking and decide to head to the beach. We walk down to the water and then he leads us to a sharp left along this quiet road and opens the garden gate to one of the houses on the block. Oh fuck, here comes the date rape. He's skinny and I think I could at least land a good strike and run, but he's a footy player so he'd probably outrun me and my paper bag lungs...
But it's fine! He just goes into his room to pick up his hoodie, introduces me to his house cat and we leave in 10 seconds to go down to the water. It's windy as hell so he walks me home but we drunkenly make plans to head to Torquay Bay tomorrow. hahah cheers cheers night night.
8.30am and I hear my phone buzzing. 2 missed calls and 2 texts from Ben and 1 msg from Jack that says he's down to come pick me up at 10am if that's not too early. Oh shit he meant it! I'm going on a road trip today!!! Yay!!!
I tell the ladies of my dorm what I'm up to, leaving them an ETA of when I'll be home and Jack's phone number in case I don't return and the authorities need to be alerted. Yeah, it's kind of silly to jump into the car of a random dude you met at the bar the night before... and maybe after the Toddy situation in Canberra I shouldn't press my luck... but I haven't got this far by making bad decisions and trust my gut.
Wolf down breakfast and head downstairs where he's parked outside in his work truck. I jump in the car and it's like we've been friends for years, yakkity yak as we drive out of the city and out onto the infamous Ocean road. I absolutely get high off the feeling of putting miles behind me and venturing into new uncharted territory and am STOKED.
***Road trip theme song.***
Proud to report no date rape, lots and lots of laughter and funny jokes and the best afternoon I've had in Melbourne to date. He tells me this is the best Sunday he's had in 2011 and I can tell he means it. He insisted on buying me lunch and coffee and driving me to all the beast beaches, asking only that I do the same for him if he comes to Canada. What a sweetie!! He drops me off at the door of the hostel at 4:30 and I leave feeling like I've made a rad rad friend, a kindred spirit, a miracle in a city where so many people have been so incredibly rude and/ or vapid.
We'll probably hang out again before I leave on Friday, maybe go to the pool after his football practice. I have booked some pole dance classes for Monday to Wednesday so I could probably use some after workout relaxation and I can always use good company. :-)
Back to Base-icks
I've been waiting a bit to get posting on my time in Melbourne, mostly because my first few days here weren't the best. I always do my best to find the silver lining though, so during my first few days:
There are a lot of Irish people here looking for work, some of whom are brutal full-time boozehounds who wonder why no one here will hire them. Strange, I thought employers would jump all over unreliable piss heads who have barely comprehensible english and a grade 10 education. I've learned that in Ireland everyone is cousins with everyone, and this is very convenient when you are a backpacker. Walk around a bit and you'll see a girl you went to school with! Or just find someone with an Irish accent, same as you, and within a few minutes you'll find out that you're related and there's your drinking buddy for the night. Sorted!
I did meet one lovely girl in my dorm during those first bleak days, Nebh (Pronounced Nieve), a plump nerdy girl I bonded with instantly when I saw a copy of "The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen on her bunk and realized that there was another literate person in the building. Her and I went shopping together, to the state library (I went twice) and went to the salt water baths. The baths are so so so amazing, I love them and am so very stoked they're only a couple blocks away. Big warm salty swimming pool, big salty hot tub with jets and a big eucalyptus scented-steam room - bliss. This cured Nebh's hangover when she drank 3 glasses of free champagne the night before.
There were three Danish girls staying in my dorm who all looked like various versions of Giselle and very very blonde and gorgeous. This made Nebh a little self-conscious, but I found it funny and a little delightful to wake up and look across the room and see so many pairs of perfect Danish boobies saying good morning to me. Yes, these girls slept naked.
The girls in my room now are also quite lovely, the girl sleeping under me is from Quallicum of all places hahahha. The best thing about staying in Sanctuary is that the girls have paid that little bit extra and made a conscious choice to have a nice nest to come home to at the end of the day. These girls tend to be literate, interesting, well-traveled and nerdy. But they also like to stay in their room, cook all their meals and go to bed early so it's a bit of a mixed bag. :-P
Sights I've seen in Melbourne so far include:
Yes Melbourne, you are massive. St Kilda is SO wonderful and chill and the CBD is big and bustling and full of very important and stylish people. The tram is cheap and I've mastered it easily, there are many varieties of beautiful Australian men everywhere. It's actually quite lovely here, once you get over how awful it is. :-P
- I was able to wear my stylish new jeans because the weather was windy, grey and cold, with occaisional rain.
- I finished two books because the people I met during these first few days were really into leaving me my own space.
- Furthermore on that note, I've really brushed up on my small talk skills as people in the city are so challenging to connect with.
- I've been really stimulated by getting stand-offish folks to buy me drinks as the booze at the bars is really expensive.
- I have a new found appreciation for beer as the free "champagne" offered to girls staying in sanctuary is the equivalent to a vomit time-bomb.
There are a lot of Irish people here looking for work, some of whom are brutal full-time boozehounds who wonder why no one here will hire them. Strange, I thought employers would jump all over unreliable piss heads who have barely comprehensible english and a grade 10 education. I've learned that in Ireland everyone is cousins with everyone, and this is very convenient when you are a backpacker. Walk around a bit and you'll see a girl you went to school with! Or just find someone with an Irish accent, same as you, and within a few minutes you'll find out that you're related and there's your drinking buddy for the night. Sorted!
I did meet one lovely girl in my dorm during those first bleak days, Nebh (Pronounced Nieve), a plump nerdy girl I bonded with instantly when I saw a copy of "The Corrections" by Jonathan Franzen on her bunk and realized that there was another literate person in the building. Her and I went shopping together, to the state library (I went twice) and went to the salt water baths. The baths are so so so amazing, I love them and am so very stoked they're only a couple blocks away. Big warm salty swimming pool, big salty hot tub with jets and a big eucalyptus scented-steam room - bliss. This cured Nebh's hangover when she drank 3 glasses of free champagne the night before.
There were three Danish girls staying in my dorm who all looked like various versions of Giselle and very very blonde and gorgeous. This made Nebh a little self-conscious, but I found it funny and a little delightful to wake up and look across the room and see so many pairs of perfect Danish boobies saying good morning to me. Yes, these girls slept naked.
The girls in my room now are also quite lovely, the girl sleeping under me is from Quallicum of all places hahahha. The best thing about staying in Sanctuary is that the girls have paid that little bit extra and made a conscious choice to have a nice nest to come home to at the end of the day. These girls tend to be literate, interesting, well-traveled and nerdy. But they also like to stay in their room, cook all their meals and go to bed early so it's a bit of a mixed bag. :-P
Sights I've seen in Melbourne so far include:
- Melbourne Museum aka the House of Horrors
All the taxidermy, insect and disgusting human body crap you would ever want. Also currently home to the King Tut exhibit which was rad. - State Library aka HeavenMassive beautiful building, home to the Ned Kelly exhibit and other neat rare book displays. Free internet and quality people watching.
- Multiple malls, markets boardwalks and street shops. I'm not allowed to buy anything as I'm headed to Bali in a week but there's a gorgeous necklace I spied on my first day and will likely be picking that up.
- Miscellaneous gardens and parks, gaudy statues of naked nymphs frolicking in fountains and impressive 1890s architechture from asshole to breakfast.
- My favourite restaurant, Lentil As Everything, which serves several types of curries and there are NO PRICES on the menu, you just pay whatever you think your meal was worth. Amazing chai tea, vegan (yes Jennifer, vegan) and so so so tasty.
Yes Melbourne, you are massive. St Kilda is SO wonderful and chill and the CBD is big and bustling and full of very important and stylish people. The tram is cheap and I've mastered it easily, there are many varieties of beautiful Australian men everywhere. It's actually quite lovely here, once you get over how awful it is. :-P
Monday, November 28, 2011
Can-brrrrrrr-aaaaah!
Bombed out of our minds, Alex and I stand shivering in our short shorts under a cut-up sheet of yellow plastic that used to be a rain poncho. We're standing on the steps of the Australia National Treasury near Parliament House wearing our green and blue wigs and it's pissing rain. We're attempting to flee the Foreshore festival and get to a warm house party; the phone number for the taxis is busy, the lineup for cabs is more than an hour long. Alex's pretty blue eyes look at me and say, "Fuck, we're stuck Anna."
Rewind to 24ish hours before and Ryan is dropping me off at the bus stop in Albion Park. It's pissing rain, as it has been for the past 4 days, and as he keeps me company in the warm truck we see the Murray bus fly by 15 minutes before it's due to depart. Wtf.
We head over to the actual bus stop and stand in the pouring rain and the post man comes by on his scooter and tells us we've just missed the bus. I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to being early for flights, buses etc. so this pisses me off a bit. While Ryan is getting on the phone with the bus company, a young girl gets dropped off by her mum and kindly shares her umbrella with me. And then another bus comes by and actually stops, the driver collecting my name and luggage like nothing weird is going on whatsoever. And this is how I leave for Canberra.
Macquarie Pass is terrifying, like Cathedral Grove only the narrow winding road through the massive forrest is scaling a cliff. Last year, when I came down the pass it seemed like a magical sunny eucalyptus-scented wonderland. Going up the pass in the torrential rain reminded me of that scene from Bram Stoker's Dracula where Keanu is taking a terrifying carriage through Transylvania to the count's castle and it's all doom and gloom. Some of you may know that I don't do well with heights and cliffs and things so when the bus started backing up towards the edge to manoever a hairpin turn in the road you can imagine my white-knuckled horror.
Past the pass, the bus ride was pleasant and quiet and when I arrived in downtown Canberra Alex came down from work to meet me and pick up my bags. She wasn't off work for another two hours so me and my copy of In a Sunburned Country had lunch together; fresh perch, salad and a glass of white for $18 and it was so so soooooo good. :-)
Alex and I meet up, zip around the mall looking for rain ponchos for the festival tomorrow. It's been raining for 5 days straight and had no indication of stopping anytime soon. So we head to Big W (Aussie Wal Mart) - sold out of ponchos. We call Bunnings (Aussie Home Depot) - sold out of ponchos AND gum boots. As a last minute idea we run downstairs through the massive mall and head to the dollar store - a fresh shipment will arrive in 5 minutes. I call this Lucky Strike #1.
Armed with our blue and yellow ponchos for $2.50, we grab groceries and a movie (Dear John, super mushy romance but not too bad!) and head to her parent's house. We drive past the airport... and past the small town of Queenbeyan... and into the bush... and we start seeing rolling hills and kangaroos hopping around... and 20 minutes later we get to her farm. This place is gorgeous. Alpacas, chooks (Aussie chickens), horses, koi pond, beautiful newly-renovated farm house - heaven.
I awake at 7am to the sound of terrifying pounding rain. Most houses in Aus have tin roofs so the sound of the rain is very soothing, except this morning when we are headed to an outdoor music festival and it`s hammering down like the wrath of Thor. We make a giant omelette, shower, do makeup all the while pretending there's nothing wrong with what's going on outside; we put on the green and blue wigs I scored in Hong Kong and do final touches... and then we step outside and it's sunny and 30 degrees. WTF. I call this Lucky Strike #2.
Drive an hour to a pre-party at her friend Jamie's house where 30 or so people are already way way way into it. It's 11am. I crack into the cans of Canadian Club (pre-mixed whisky and dry (ginger ale)) and make friends with the group, helping a sweet young chubby dude do up his yellow bra, he's so excited it's his first ever music festival. I instantly bond with the girls as they make preparations to bring party favours into the festival in very intimate and horrific ways. For the faint of heart I'll make some serious edits here and just skip to when we all jump into a massive number of cabs.
On Parliament Lawn there is usually an ongoing camp of Aboriginees protesting land rights; on this particular day this had somehow been displaced by a far more "savage" gathering - thousands of wasted twenty-somethings. Cops, security dogs, girls dressed like trailer-prostitues, shirtless chumps in neon short shorts - everywhere.
We're herded through three checkpoints and enter the festival. Quick stop at the free sunscreen tent, then the bar for double orders of bundy cans (Coke and Bundaberg rum) and we're off to see Raw City, a Run DMC-style band. Several members are part of Alex's crew so we all chill there and kick things off. LMFAO was also playing during this time slot on another stage so it was kind of nice to mostly have the area to ourselves to enjoy the local group. Rad remix of Daft Punk's Technologic and a dancing robot comes out with some sick dance moves.
Fast forward and we're watching Salt and Pepa, but this large and in charge lesbian lady starts getting all up on Alex's situation so we quickly flee, then run into some people and get distracted and take off. I discover later that yellow-bra-boy got up on stage and dry humped Pepa. Not bad for your first festival.
Fast forward again and we're watching Armin Van Burin. At this stage Alex and I are well on it and dancing up a storm, run into some of her friends who are off their dials and say they want to head to the toilet. So we wander some more, watching her funny friends drunkenly peck at each other. Run into AJ, the lead rapper or whatever from Raw City. "Wigs!" he exclaims, and we all have a chill on the grass together, go for a wander, stroll over to the games area where there's all these carney-type stalls set up. Knock down the bottles win a prize etc. etc. Now, Australians love to gamble so I half expected this or some kind of pokeys (slot machines) but AJ hooks into it and wins - his choice of $5 or a stuffed snake. Stuffed snake of course!!
It's 4pm-ish and it starts to rain a little so we head to this tiki-party tent thing for bevvies. And then it starts to really rain, but then it stops. We head back out and I feel petting on my head. I was a bit used to it by this point as we'd been getting ogled and groped and complimented and requested for photos all day. However, it turns out this particular gentleman decides to rip my green wig off the top of my head, multiple hair pins and all. Before I know it I've buried my knee thigh-deep in this guy's groin and he's writhing on the ground while the crowd goes wild. Kung fu Chris would be so proud. :-)
Making a quick escape Alex and I flee to another tent while AJ splits off with another group. And then it really really starts raining. We dance to some kind of drum-and-bass nonsense for a bit and feel the crowd behind us swelling, realizing that the weather won't be changing any time soon. Alex gets a text from AJ that's he's taking off and headed to an after party. We contemplate toughing it out for a bit but decide to get warm and dry at a house party vs. derive our heat Emperor Penguin-style by huddling against the masses.
Fleeing to the Chlamydia testing tent, I tear along the side seam of my yellow rain poncho, as the blue one was used earlier as a picnic blanket against the mud. We now have a rain cover fort for two - kind of. I feel at this point I should clearly illustrate that a) We still had green and blue wigs on, b) We were wearing shorts, runners and thin shirts, c) We had no idea where to go to get a cab, d) The rain is biblical and, very appropriately, e) We were smashed.
And so there we are, in front of the Treasury, trying to think our way ahead of the thousands of others just like us who are cold, wet, wasted and trying to escape the festival via cab. And we did it.
I say to Alex and her Kalaedoscope eyes that we're going to walk to the city to try to get a cab there and we can stop in shops along the way to warm up. Huddled under our flimsy yellow tarp we start walking. As the wind blows it kind of smothers our faces, like how you tell kids not to play with plastic bags, and I'm vaguely amused by this when we come upon a couple people from the house earlier this morning. A very cold pale girl is shivering with a dude who is wearing the bottom half of the Raw City robot costume and a guy with his back to us is on the phone cursing like a sailor. Apparently his name is Toddy and he's on the phone with his mum trying to get a lift. We step a bit closer like a couple of rain-soaked crows and try to get in on this situation like it's a fresh bag of garbage.
In hindsight I'd like to refer to this gentleman as Hot Toddy. Not because he was attractive, but because he was a solution to the cold November rain like a warm cinnamon beverage. But mostly because he had a raging hot terrifying temper. After listening to a string of terrifying verbal abuse against his mum, I look at Alex and say "lets walk to the city" and we get moving. And, as we're heading to the same house party, Toddy follows... only that's not exactly the right word as he's walking in front of us in a blind rage.
Cabs continue to fly past us, headed to the masses waiting in line further up the street, until Toddy grabs two pineapple notes out of his wallet ($100) and stands in front of a cab at an intersection. And it stops. And lets us in. Basking in the warm dry apholstry, we cruise away like Indiana Fucking Jones as the cops are yelling behind us about taking down the cab number and fining the driver. We all laugh triumphantly and get warm... I call this Lucky Strike #3.
We're off to Jamie's house to pick up our overnight bags, Toddy going to pick up his grog (booze) and he gets his mum to come pick us up so she can give us a ride to the afterparty - Lucky Strike #4.
The lady who came to pick us up, Toddy's mum, was pretty much Eric Cartman's mum from South Park... only with an Australian accent. Alex and I, still reeling and shivering, quietly sit in the back as Toddy has a full on rager in the front seat and his mum chirps along happy as a turtledove. We tell her we'll keep an eye on Toddy for her and she looks just so ecstatc.
We arrive at the house party at around 8pm, and I use the term house party pretty loosely here. Yes there's several young people gathered at the same place, and there's beverages and chatting... but we were all dressed in various forms of pajamas and athletic wear (Alex and I apparently the only people who had the foresight to pack a pair of jeans)... and they're all huddling together for warmth and chain smoking... and also still completely zonked out on whatever they've been rolling on all day.
I shit you not, this state remained exactly the same for about 5 hours. People got up to fix drinks etc. etc. some of the Raw City folks were spinning records jumping around in their underwear, but for the most part the ladies I was sitting with just kind of sat around with spiral eyes like on Looney Tunes. As for the boys...
While we're sitting around, the boys play spin the bottle... except when it lands on a chick they quickly move it over to a dude and go over and start pashing (passionate kiss). This goes on for like an hour, and dudes are running around in their underwear and humping walls and each other... but completely leaving the hens alone. It kind of reminded me of Ryan's dog Jimmy when he gets excited about going in the truck or something and he starts humping the air.
Around 1pm the party kind of tapers out and I'm wondering where the hell we're going to sleep... and of course Toddy offers us up the couches!! Lucky Strike #5. When he calls the cab, he actually just calls one of his friends who's a cab driver and gets a price quote on the phone which is a little weird. I sleepily and cheerfully offer a pineapple note to him and he smiles and declines, going outside to wait for the ride so Alex and I can stay warm on the couch. As this happens his buddy laughs at us and says, ``don`t give him any cash! He`s a fucking dealer, he can shout it!`` aaaaaaaaaah. I see.
On the way home Toddy angrily tells the driver that he`s shown up late and the guy profusely apologises, so now he has to take us through the McDonald`s drive through because the girls are hungry. Ok. Alex and Toddy get cheeseburgers and I order a hot apple pie - working nights at McDs teaches you to never, ever order meat after 9pm. She says there`s a wait on the apple pie, would I like an sundae. And Toddy explodes. ``You fucking `ranger (Orangutan, ginger, red haired person) bitch. Get in there and do your fucking job`` And the poor girl goes to make me a sundae and tells me to have a nice evening with a face like a deflated balloon.
As we get to Toddy`s house, he`s going off to us about how all his friends use him for money and he had this fiancee and she just used him for money etc. etc. ... as he forks over another note to pay for the cab. We get into the house, which is a duplex, and it`s really well decorated with new furnishings. Toddy takes time to show us his two mastiffs, the (expensive) Foxtel channels, and sets us up on the couches... it's very clear to me now that Toddy takes care of the bills around here, especially when he paid for the cab and had a fist full of notes that I'd seriously estimate at a few thousand bucks.
How here's the really weird part: after he shoes me and Alex around the house and the couches we're sleeping on.... he leaves us alone and goes to his room to sleep.
Now lets be honest here and look at the facts: I learn this gentleman has some cash to throw around and is a psychopath with serious rage issues, and yes, Alex and I made the decision to sleep at his house. Call me an idiot, but I somehow knew since he got us that cab that he wouldn`t try to beat-rape us. Maybe he smelled that Alex and I were girlfriends (although to other dudes who we completely failled to mention the entire day) and he just wanted companionship. Maybe he lost his nerve at the last minute or something. Maybe he`s just a big scary mastiff with a loud bark that just wants to sniff butts. Who knows.
What I do know is that Toddy single-handedly saved me and Alex multiple times that day and thank him for his kindness.... even though we were the only people he was kind to that day.
The next morning his mum drives us to Jamie`s to collect the cars; she says she has a brother in Canada and asks me if I know anyone by the last name of Roberts. What a sweet lady. :-) We give Toddy hugs and thank him for being our champion. And with a wink and a "no worries" he's gone and Alex and I cruise back to her farm in Burra.
Rewind to 24ish hours before and Ryan is dropping me off at the bus stop in Albion Park. It's pissing rain, as it has been for the past 4 days, and as he keeps me company in the warm truck we see the Murray bus fly by 15 minutes before it's due to depart. Wtf.
We head over to the actual bus stop and stand in the pouring rain and the post man comes by on his scooter and tells us we've just missed the bus. I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to being early for flights, buses etc. so this pisses me off a bit. While Ryan is getting on the phone with the bus company, a young girl gets dropped off by her mum and kindly shares her umbrella with me. And then another bus comes by and actually stops, the driver collecting my name and luggage like nothing weird is going on whatsoever. And this is how I leave for Canberra.
Macquarie Pass is terrifying, like Cathedral Grove only the narrow winding road through the massive forrest is scaling a cliff. Last year, when I came down the pass it seemed like a magical sunny eucalyptus-scented wonderland. Going up the pass in the torrential rain reminded me of that scene from Bram Stoker's Dracula where Keanu is taking a terrifying carriage through Transylvania to the count's castle and it's all doom and gloom. Some of you may know that I don't do well with heights and cliffs and things so when the bus started backing up towards the edge to manoever a hairpin turn in the road you can imagine my white-knuckled horror.
Past the pass, the bus ride was pleasant and quiet and when I arrived in downtown Canberra Alex came down from work to meet me and pick up my bags. She wasn't off work for another two hours so me and my copy of In a Sunburned Country had lunch together; fresh perch, salad and a glass of white for $18 and it was so so soooooo good. :-)
Alex and I meet up, zip around the mall looking for rain ponchos for the festival tomorrow. It's been raining for 5 days straight and had no indication of stopping anytime soon. So we head to Big W (Aussie Wal Mart) - sold out of ponchos. We call Bunnings (Aussie Home Depot) - sold out of ponchos AND gum boots. As a last minute idea we run downstairs through the massive mall and head to the dollar store - a fresh shipment will arrive in 5 minutes. I call this Lucky Strike #1.
Armed with our blue and yellow ponchos for $2.50, we grab groceries and a movie (Dear John, super mushy romance but not too bad!) and head to her parent's house. We drive past the airport... and past the small town of Queenbeyan... and into the bush... and we start seeing rolling hills and kangaroos hopping around... and 20 minutes later we get to her farm. This place is gorgeous. Alpacas, chooks (Aussie chickens), horses, koi pond, beautiful newly-renovated farm house - heaven.
I awake at 7am to the sound of terrifying pounding rain. Most houses in Aus have tin roofs so the sound of the rain is very soothing, except this morning when we are headed to an outdoor music festival and it`s hammering down like the wrath of Thor. We make a giant omelette, shower, do makeup all the while pretending there's nothing wrong with what's going on outside; we put on the green and blue wigs I scored in Hong Kong and do final touches... and then we step outside and it's sunny and 30 degrees. WTF. I call this Lucky Strike #2.
Drive an hour to a pre-party at her friend Jamie's house where 30 or so people are already way way way into it. It's 11am. I crack into the cans of Canadian Club (pre-mixed whisky and dry (ginger ale)) and make friends with the group, helping a sweet young chubby dude do up his yellow bra, he's so excited it's his first ever music festival. I instantly bond with the girls as they make preparations to bring party favours into the festival in very intimate and horrific ways. For the faint of heart I'll make some serious edits here and just skip to when we all jump into a massive number of cabs.
On Parliament Lawn there is usually an ongoing camp of Aboriginees protesting land rights; on this particular day this had somehow been displaced by a far more "savage" gathering - thousands of wasted twenty-somethings. Cops, security dogs, girls dressed like trailer-prostitues, shirtless chumps in neon short shorts - everywhere.
We're herded through three checkpoints and enter the festival. Quick stop at the free sunscreen tent, then the bar for double orders of bundy cans (Coke and Bundaberg rum) and we're off to see Raw City, a Run DMC-style band. Several members are part of Alex's crew so we all chill there and kick things off. LMFAO was also playing during this time slot on another stage so it was kind of nice to mostly have the area to ourselves to enjoy the local group. Rad remix of Daft Punk's Technologic and a dancing robot comes out with some sick dance moves.
Fast forward and we're watching Salt and Pepa, but this large and in charge lesbian lady starts getting all up on Alex's situation so we quickly flee, then run into some people and get distracted and take off. I discover later that yellow-bra-boy got up on stage and dry humped Pepa. Not bad for your first festival.
Fast forward again and we're watching Armin Van Burin. At this stage Alex and I are well on it and dancing up a storm, run into some of her friends who are off their dials and say they want to head to the toilet. So we wander some more, watching her funny friends drunkenly peck at each other. Run into AJ, the lead rapper or whatever from Raw City. "Wigs!" he exclaims, and we all have a chill on the grass together, go for a wander, stroll over to the games area where there's all these carney-type stalls set up. Knock down the bottles win a prize etc. etc. Now, Australians love to gamble so I half expected this or some kind of pokeys (slot machines) but AJ hooks into it and wins - his choice of $5 or a stuffed snake. Stuffed snake of course!!
It's 4pm-ish and it starts to rain a little so we head to this tiki-party tent thing for bevvies. And then it starts to really rain, but then it stops. We head back out and I feel petting on my head. I was a bit used to it by this point as we'd been getting ogled and groped and complimented and requested for photos all day. However, it turns out this particular gentleman decides to rip my green wig off the top of my head, multiple hair pins and all. Before I know it I've buried my knee thigh-deep in this guy's groin and he's writhing on the ground while the crowd goes wild. Kung fu Chris would be so proud. :-)
Making a quick escape Alex and I flee to another tent while AJ splits off with another group. And then it really really starts raining. We dance to some kind of drum-and-bass nonsense for a bit and feel the crowd behind us swelling, realizing that the weather won't be changing any time soon. Alex gets a text from AJ that's he's taking off and headed to an after party. We contemplate toughing it out for a bit but decide to get warm and dry at a house party vs. derive our heat Emperor Penguin-style by huddling against the masses.
Fleeing to the Chlamydia testing tent, I tear along the side seam of my yellow rain poncho, as the blue one was used earlier as a picnic blanket against the mud. We now have a rain cover fort for two - kind of. I feel at this point I should clearly illustrate that a) We still had green and blue wigs on, b) We were wearing shorts, runners and thin shirts, c) We had no idea where to go to get a cab, d) The rain is biblical and, very appropriately, e) We were smashed.
And so there we are, in front of the Treasury, trying to think our way ahead of the thousands of others just like us who are cold, wet, wasted and trying to escape the festival via cab. And we did it.
I say to Alex and her Kalaedoscope eyes that we're going to walk to the city to try to get a cab there and we can stop in shops along the way to warm up. Huddled under our flimsy yellow tarp we start walking. As the wind blows it kind of smothers our faces, like how you tell kids not to play with plastic bags, and I'm vaguely amused by this when we come upon a couple people from the house earlier this morning. A very cold pale girl is shivering with a dude who is wearing the bottom half of the Raw City robot costume and a guy with his back to us is on the phone cursing like a sailor. Apparently his name is Toddy and he's on the phone with his mum trying to get a lift. We step a bit closer like a couple of rain-soaked crows and try to get in on this situation like it's a fresh bag of garbage.
In hindsight I'd like to refer to this gentleman as Hot Toddy. Not because he was attractive, but because he was a solution to the cold November rain like a warm cinnamon beverage. But mostly because he had a raging hot terrifying temper. After listening to a string of terrifying verbal abuse against his mum, I look at Alex and say "lets walk to the city" and we get moving. And, as we're heading to the same house party, Toddy follows... only that's not exactly the right word as he's walking in front of us in a blind rage.
Cabs continue to fly past us, headed to the masses waiting in line further up the street, until Toddy grabs two pineapple notes out of his wallet ($100) and stands in front of a cab at an intersection. And it stops. And lets us in. Basking in the warm dry apholstry, we cruise away like Indiana Fucking Jones as the cops are yelling behind us about taking down the cab number and fining the driver. We all laugh triumphantly and get warm... I call this Lucky Strike #3.
We're off to Jamie's house to pick up our overnight bags, Toddy going to pick up his grog (booze) and he gets his mum to come pick us up so she can give us a ride to the afterparty - Lucky Strike #4.
The lady who came to pick us up, Toddy's mum, was pretty much Eric Cartman's mum from South Park... only with an Australian accent. Alex and I, still reeling and shivering, quietly sit in the back as Toddy has a full on rager in the front seat and his mum chirps along happy as a turtledove. We tell her we'll keep an eye on Toddy for her and she looks just so ecstatc.
We arrive at the house party at around 8pm, and I use the term house party pretty loosely here. Yes there's several young people gathered at the same place, and there's beverages and chatting... but we were all dressed in various forms of pajamas and athletic wear (Alex and I apparently the only people who had the foresight to pack a pair of jeans)... and they're all huddling together for warmth and chain smoking... and also still completely zonked out on whatever they've been rolling on all day.
I shit you not, this state remained exactly the same for about 5 hours. People got up to fix drinks etc. etc. some of the Raw City folks were spinning records jumping around in their underwear, but for the most part the ladies I was sitting with just kind of sat around with spiral eyes like on Looney Tunes. As for the boys...
While we're sitting around, the boys play spin the bottle... except when it lands on a chick they quickly move it over to a dude and go over and start pashing (passionate kiss). This goes on for like an hour, and dudes are running around in their underwear and humping walls and each other... but completely leaving the hens alone. It kind of reminded me of Ryan's dog Jimmy when he gets excited about going in the truck or something and he starts humping the air.
Around 1pm the party kind of tapers out and I'm wondering where the hell we're going to sleep... and of course Toddy offers us up the couches!! Lucky Strike #5. When he calls the cab, he actually just calls one of his friends who's a cab driver and gets a price quote on the phone which is a little weird. I sleepily and cheerfully offer a pineapple note to him and he smiles and declines, going outside to wait for the ride so Alex and I can stay warm on the couch. As this happens his buddy laughs at us and says, ``don`t give him any cash! He`s a fucking dealer, he can shout it!`` aaaaaaaaaah. I see.
On the way home Toddy angrily tells the driver that he`s shown up late and the guy profusely apologises, so now he has to take us through the McDonald`s drive through because the girls are hungry. Ok. Alex and Toddy get cheeseburgers and I order a hot apple pie - working nights at McDs teaches you to never, ever order meat after 9pm. She says there`s a wait on the apple pie, would I like an sundae. And Toddy explodes. ``You fucking `ranger (Orangutan, ginger, red haired person) bitch. Get in there and do your fucking job`` And the poor girl goes to make me a sundae and tells me to have a nice evening with a face like a deflated balloon.
As we get to Toddy`s house, he`s going off to us about how all his friends use him for money and he had this fiancee and she just used him for money etc. etc. ... as he forks over another note to pay for the cab. We get into the house, which is a duplex, and it`s really well decorated with new furnishings. Toddy takes time to show us his two mastiffs, the (expensive) Foxtel channels, and sets us up on the couches... it's very clear to me now that Toddy takes care of the bills around here, especially when he paid for the cab and had a fist full of notes that I'd seriously estimate at a few thousand bucks.
How here's the really weird part: after he shoes me and Alex around the house and the couches we're sleeping on.... he leaves us alone and goes to his room to sleep.
Now lets be honest here and look at the facts: I learn this gentleman has some cash to throw around and is a psychopath with serious rage issues, and yes, Alex and I made the decision to sleep at his house. Call me an idiot, but I somehow knew since he got us that cab that he wouldn`t try to beat-rape us. Maybe he smelled that Alex and I were girlfriends (although to other dudes who we completely failled to mention the entire day) and he just wanted companionship. Maybe he lost his nerve at the last minute or something. Maybe he`s just a big scary mastiff with a loud bark that just wants to sniff butts. Who knows.
What I do know is that Toddy single-handedly saved me and Alex multiple times that day and thank him for his kindness.... even though we were the only people he was kind to that day.
The next morning his mum drives us to Jamie`s to collect the cars; she says she has a brother in Canada and asks me if I know anyone by the last name of Roberts. What a sweet lady. :-) We give Toddy hugs and thank him for being our champion. And with a wink and a "no worries" he's gone and Alex and I cruise back to her farm in Burra.
Monday, November 21, 2011
So This is What You Call A Blinder
Ok ok, so Ryan and I haven't been totally chilling out here, we got on it pretty hard the other night. Sunday night.
There's a big Convoy for Kids event that takes place every year here - all the big trucks and work trucks and rigs do a big parade and donate money for sick kids to go to camp. Trucks are known as "the life-blood of Australia" so this is quite a patriotic thing as well. So I was more than happy to get up at 7am to sit on the side of the road for 3 hours to watch various trucks go by. :-/ hahaha it wasn't that bad, it was pretty fun and Ryan was taking tons of photos.... :-P
After the convoy, all the pubs in the area have parties to get even more donations going on - donation jars at the bar, buy Convoy beer coolers. We headed to Windang Pub where there was a jumpy castle for the kids and a few local bands playing, including, as Ryan tells me, "the lead singer of Porcelain and some lesbians, the Costello Brothers".... right. What Ryan didn't tell me was that Windang Pub is full of characters; most of the pubs he's taken me to are full of dudes still in their work clothes and the only chicks there are girlfriends and the odd titty girl on Wednesday afternoons and Friday mornings. This pub, however, was more of the local get-together as Ryan's cousins explained to me. Wow. I'm from a small town and all, but it was like TLCs What Not To Wear times a million. For example:
- If you're wearing a white dress, make sure you wear black undies underneath so everyone can see
- If you find your sun dress is too long, feel free to hike it up and tuck it into your g-string
- If you frequent the tanning beds (And I mean come on, it's Australia, it's not like intense burning sunshine is free) be sure to wear low cut shorts so everyone can see your g-string tanline
- If you bring your TODDLER into the bar, don't let that get in the way of wearing low cut shirts and getting the girls out. Bonus points for hugging your child while smoking.
After a couple hours of exchanging witty banter like this with Ryan's cousins and some of the other gal pals at the bar, I noticed that I was getting pretty tipsy. And it was 3pm. I look over to Ryan who is doing the bobble-head dance while double-fisting schooners of Toohey's New. Then Ellen, a lovely gal pal, asks if I would care to switch to Vodka Lemonades with her.... why not??
Fast forward to 7pm and we are being kicked out as the pub is closing. It's like when the ugly lights come on at the club and everyone's planning the after party, cougars sink their teeth into the jugulars of their young prey, that creepy old guy with the pony tail finally tucks his pack of Winnie Blues into his shirt pocket and takes off. What's that? We're headed to Warilla Pub? Ok sounds good.
Fast forward to 10pm and we are being kicked out as the pub is closing. After several cans of JD and Coke (yes it's in a can here!) we're all feeling pretty loose and limber. There's a rugby team in the back that I've convinced to sing Waltzing Matilda and the Aussie national anthem in exchange for a few bars of Oh Canada. Everyone in the pub is singing and swaying and the bar staff laser me with stink eye as they stack chairs on tables. What's that? We're headed to Wade's house? Ok sounds good.
Fast forward to midnight. We've been drinking in Wade's garage/ man cave for a bit and are having a kind of dance party. ACDC is cranking and all the chicks are dancing, all the oldies from the pub who followed us here are sitting around drinking straight Jack Daniels and smoking stuff, including one lady who tells me she thinks we're soul mates and I can't think of a single reason to disagree. I'm up on the porch watching the old guy from the Simpsons and the Italian guy from the Simpsons pass the bong around... only they both have Aussie accents.
I hear yelling and see that Ryan is wrestling someone in the driveway, I look away, and when I look back several dudes are crowded around him and he's holding the side of his head. "Did ya split it mate?" they ask, but I see no blood on his hand. Apparently he hit his head on the parked trailer; I give his goose egg a kiss and help him up.
I hear splashing and see that the guy Ryan was just wresting is spewing up all over the driveway. I think it's time to go.
We're in the cab, and I look over and Ryan's asleep. I roll the window down and ask him questions in an attempt to resuscitate but all I get is Aussie mumbles that even I can't understand. The cab driver asks me where to and I get to navigate us home for the first time ever. o.O
We've arrived at the shops just down the streets from Ryan's house - success!! He spills out of the cab and proceeds to walk up the street in the best zombie walk I've ever seen. I notice at this point that he's barefoot and make a mental note to retrieve his shoes from Wade's. At this stage I enter the kind of commando-take-care-of-business mode that I get into sometimes when I am extremely pissed, but also happen to be the only person with their hand on the wheel. This is good news for Ryan as he collapses on his parent's driveway.
Leaving my puddle of a prom date on the driveway to marinate into a more quiet drunken state, I try the front door. Locked. Shit. I go back to Ryan and frisk his pockets. I find only the garage door opener and ask repeatedly if this is the only way into the house. Apparently yes. Dammit. I leave Ryan to continue spinning out on the driveway waiting for the eventual outcome to occur, and finally it does. He crawls like a freshwater croc over to the lawn and spews from asshole to breakfast. And again. And again. Quick swish from the water bottle and he's on his feet asking if I'm ready to go inside and go to bed. :-P
I pluck out my eyes and turn in quite easily, but Ryan is in that horrible drunk state where sleep is just not a possibility and you're kind of hungry but you just spewed but you're thirsty but ugggggg - so he proceeds to stomp around the house for 15 minutes and eventually walks back into the room, directly into the fan and falls over. I go to help him up and he tries to stab me with the legs of the fan like it's a jousting stick. I quickly tire of Ryan being so Medieval on my ass and go to bed.
Here's the amazing part - I wasn't even really hungover the next day! However, my partner in crime has decided to abstain from the booze until he's back from the mines hahahahaha And you know what that means - when we get on it in Bali it's going to be like 9/11 times a million.
There's a big Convoy for Kids event that takes place every year here - all the big trucks and work trucks and rigs do a big parade and donate money for sick kids to go to camp. Trucks are known as "the life-blood of Australia" so this is quite a patriotic thing as well. So I was more than happy to get up at 7am to sit on the side of the road for 3 hours to watch various trucks go by. :-/ hahaha it wasn't that bad, it was pretty fun and Ryan was taking tons of photos.... :-P
After the convoy, all the pubs in the area have parties to get even more donations going on - donation jars at the bar, buy Convoy beer coolers. We headed to Windang Pub where there was a jumpy castle for the kids and a few local bands playing, including, as Ryan tells me, "the lead singer of Porcelain and some lesbians, the Costello Brothers".... right. What Ryan didn't tell me was that Windang Pub is full of characters; most of the pubs he's taken me to are full of dudes still in their work clothes and the only chicks there are girlfriends and the odd titty girl on Wednesday afternoons and Friday mornings. This pub, however, was more of the local get-together as Ryan's cousins explained to me. Wow. I'm from a small town and all, but it was like TLCs What Not To Wear times a million. For example:
- If you're wearing a white dress, make sure you wear black undies underneath so everyone can see
- If you find your sun dress is too long, feel free to hike it up and tuck it into your g-string
- If you frequent the tanning beds (And I mean come on, it's Australia, it's not like intense burning sunshine is free) be sure to wear low cut shorts so everyone can see your g-string tanline
- If you bring your TODDLER into the bar, don't let that get in the way of wearing low cut shirts and getting the girls out. Bonus points for hugging your child while smoking.
After a couple hours of exchanging witty banter like this with Ryan's cousins and some of the other gal pals at the bar, I noticed that I was getting pretty tipsy. And it was 3pm. I look over to Ryan who is doing the bobble-head dance while double-fisting schooners of Toohey's New. Then Ellen, a lovely gal pal, asks if I would care to switch to Vodka Lemonades with her.... why not??
Fast forward to 7pm and we are being kicked out as the pub is closing. It's like when the ugly lights come on at the club and everyone's planning the after party, cougars sink their teeth into the jugulars of their young prey, that creepy old guy with the pony tail finally tucks his pack of Winnie Blues into his shirt pocket and takes off. What's that? We're headed to Warilla Pub? Ok sounds good.
Fast forward to 10pm and we are being kicked out as the pub is closing. After several cans of JD and Coke (yes it's in a can here!) we're all feeling pretty loose and limber. There's a rugby team in the back that I've convinced to sing Waltzing Matilda and the Aussie national anthem in exchange for a few bars of Oh Canada. Everyone in the pub is singing and swaying and the bar staff laser me with stink eye as they stack chairs on tables. What's that? We're headed to Wade's house? Ok sounds good.
Fast forward to midnight. We've been drinking in Wade's garage/ man cave for a bit and are having a kind of dance party. ACDC is cranking and all the chicks are dancing, all the oldies from the pub who followed us here are sitting around drinking straight Jack Daniels and smoking stuff, including one lady who tells me she thinks we're soul mates and I can't think of a single reason to disagree. I'm up on the porch watching the old guy from the Simpsons and the Italian guy from the Simpsons pass the bong around... only they both have Aussie accents.
I hear yelling and see that Ryan is wrestling someone in the driveway, I look away, and when I look back several dudes are crowded around him and he's holding the side of his head. "Did ya split it mate?" they ask, but I see no blood on his hand. Apparently he hit his head on the parked trailer; I give his goose egg a kiss and help him up.
I hear splashing and see that the guy Ryan was just wresting is spewing up all over the driveway. I think it's time to go.
We're in the cab, and I look over and Ryan's asleep. I roll the window down and ask him questions in an attempt to resuscitate but all I get is Aussie mumbles that even I can't understand. The cab driver asks me where to and I get to navigate us home for the first time ever. o.O
We've arrived at the shops just down the streets from Ryan's house - success!! He spills out of the cab and proceeds to walk up the street in the best zombie walk I've ever seen. I notice at this point that he's barefoot and make a mental note to retrieve his shoes from Wade's. At this stage I enter the kind of commando-take-care-of-business mode that I get into sometimes when I am extremely pissed, but also happen to be the only person with their hand on the wheel. This is good news for Ryan as he collapses on his parent's driveway.
Leaving my puddle of a prom date on the driveway to marinate into a more quiet drunken state, I try the front door. Locked. Shit. I go back to Ryan and frisk his pockets. I find only the garage door opener and ask repeatedly if this is the only way into the house. Apparently yes. Dammit. I leave Ryan to continue spinning out on the driveway waiting for the eventual outcome to occur, and finally it does. He crawls like a freshwater croc over to the lawn and spews from asshole to breakfast. And again. And again. Quick swish from the water bottle and he's on his feet asking if I'm ready to go inside and go to bed. :-P
I pluck out my eyes and turn in quite easily, but Ryan is in that horrible drunk state where sleep is just not a possibility and you're kind of hungry but you just spewed but you're thirsty but ugggggg - so he proceeds to stomp around the house for 15 minutes and eventually walks back into the room, directly into the fan and falls over. I go to help him up and he tries to stab me with the legs of the fan like it's a jousting stick. I quickly tire of Ryan being so Medieval on my ass and go to bed.
Here's the amazing part - I wasn't even really hungover the next day! However, my partner in crime has decided to abstain from the booze until he's back from the mines hahahahaha And you know what that means - when we get on it in Bali it's going to be like 9/11 times a million.
Sweet Home Illwara
It's mid afternoon here at Ryan's parents' place, I'm looking out over the pool with the raindrops ping-ponging all over it, Lake Illwara in the background with little white caps stirring up from the rising wind. Terrifying little parrot birds are cozying up into the neighbour's Jacaranda tree.... it's very nice here. :-)
After 5ish days of full on intensity in Hong Kong, Ryan and I have had such an amazing couple weeks chilling here at his parents' place. Lisa's on her honeymoon and we've just been plugging away doing not very much at all and loving it. I do the laundry and the dishes, keep the pantry stocked with milk, bread and sausages. Ryan mows the lawn and has been working on all the little fussy fixer upper jobs around the house they've been meaning to get to. And in between all this we head to old friends' houses for a couple beers and a doggie play date, or we go to the pub, or we walk along the lake or head to the beach if it's sunny. Or, if it's rainy and a little windy like today, we curl up with Mum and watch Australia Celebrity Apprentice and she explains to me who everyone is. It's lovely. :-)
Only a couple more days of this though! Ryan is heading off to work in the mines in South Oz for 2 weeks; he's been running around picking up man tools and odds and sods for the trip, setting up Australian bank accounts etc. Got his new fluro (fluorescent) work clothes and soaked it in the pool for two days before hanging it up to dry, just so he wouldn't look like the new kid at school.
And what shall I do while he's away you ask?? This weekend I'm headed to Canberra to check out the Foreshore Music Fest and stay with Ryan's brother's girl Alex for a few days. I'm glad I've already done all the touristy things there (War Museum, Parliament House, National Library) and can just focus on having a blasty blast. After the weekend, I'm heading to Melbourne!!! wheeee!!! I've never been there before and am kind of looking forward to doing a quick weekish stint in the Base Backpacker scene again. The hostel is in Mt. Kilda, the real hipster scene I hear, so I'm packing my converse knock-offs and my party shoes and ready to rock! This time I may try to swing some work-for-accommodation to save a bit of dough... but mostly this is an excellent way to get in with the staff and score some free drinks and fun party hookups. :-)
AND THEN, when Ryan's back from the mines and I'm back from Melbourne - WE'RE GOING TO BALI!! That's right, the Love part of Eat, Pray Love whoooo!!! Amazing surf, pristine beaches, abundant seafood, el cheapo markets galore - it's kind of amazing Ryan and I haven't been there already! Side note, we originally intended to leave the country at this time to tag a couple months onto my time here by applying for a tourist Visa but really what a way to do it hey?
Also I'd like to give a shout out - how awesome is the internet for booking flights?? Not to show off (actually totally showing off) but I scored a bus from here to Canberra, a flight from Canberra to Melbourne, a flight from Melbourne to Sydney, a LIMO from Sydney back here to Mt Warrigal and then return flight to Bali for just under $1000 CAD. Seriously. Ok ok, I can't take full credit, Ryan is super cut-throat and did some digging to find our cheap Bali flight.... and Virgin Air within Australia is ridiculously cheap... but I still feel pretty stoked. :-)
After 5ish days of full on intensity in Hong Kong, Ryan and I have had such an amazing couple weeks chilling here at his parents' place. Lisa's on her honeymoon and we've just been plugging away doing not very much at all and loving it. I do the laundry and the dishes, keep the pantry stocked with milk, bread and sausages. Ryan mows the lawn and has been working on all the little fussy fixer upper jobs around the house they've been meaning to get to. And in between all this we head to old friends' houses for a couple beers and a doggie play date, or we go to the pub, or we walk along the lake or head to the beach if it's sunny. Or, if it's rainy and a little windy like today, we curl up with Mum and watch Australia Celebrity Apprentice and she explains to me who everyone is. It's lovely. :-)
Only a couple more days of this though! Ryan is heading off to work in the mines in South Oz for 2 weeks; he's been running around picking up man tools and odds and sods for the trip, setting up Australian bank accounts etc. Got his new fluro (fluorescent) work clothes and soaked it in the pool for two days before hanging it up to dry, just so he wouldn't look like the new kid at school.
And what shall I do while he's away you ask?? This weekend I'm headed to Canberra to check out the Foreshore Music Fest and stay with Ryan's brother's girl Alex for a few days. I'm glad I've already done all the touristy things there (War Museum, Parliament House, National Library) and can just focus on having a blasty blast. After the weekend, I'm heading to Melbourne!!! wheeee!!! I've never been there before and am kind of looking forward to doing a quick weekish stint in the Base Backpacker scene again. The hostel is in Mt. Kilda, the real hipster scene I hear, so I'm packing my converse knock-offs and my party shoes and ready to rock! This time I may try to swing some work-for-accommodation to save a bit of dough... but mostly this is an excellent way to get in with the staff and score some free drinks and fun party hookups. :-)
AND THEN, when Ryan's back from the mines and I'm back from Melbourne - WE'RE GOING TO BALI!! That's right, the Love part of Eat, Pray Love whoooo!!! Amazing surf, pristine beaches, abundant seafood, el cheapo markets galore - it's kind of amazing Ryan and I haven't been there already! Side note, we originally intended to leave the country at this time to tag a couple months onto my time here by applying for a tourist Visa but really what a way to do it hey?
Also I'd like to give a shout out - how awesome is the internet for booking flights?? Not to show off (actually totally showing off) but I scored a bus from here to Canberra, a flight from Canberra to Melbourne, a flight from Melbourne to Sydney, a LIMO from Sydney back here to Mt Warrigal and then return flight to Bali for just under $1000 CAD. Seriously. Ok ok, I can't take full credit, Ryan is super cut-throat and did some digging to find our cheap Bali flight.... and Virgin Air within Australia is ridiculously cheap... but I still feel pretty stoked. :-)
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Lisa's Wedding
Imagine booking your wedding for November 11th 2011 with a small budget. Then a Chinese couple wants to reserve your 11-11-11 date so bad that they offer to pay for half of your wedding, regardless of total cost, just to make you bump to another day. Also, you like big puffy dresses, fancy cars and indoor fireworks. This is exactly what took place last weekend and I had the pleasure of attending. :-)
The day before the wedding (on 11-11-11) there was a rehearsal ceremony at the church for all parents, bridesmaids and groomsen. All weddings are pretty much the same right? Bridesmaids walk up the aisle to the waiting groomsmen, bride walks down the aisle with her dad, "I do I do", kiss the bride - done. For this particular ceremony, held at the Little Flower St. Therese Catholic Church in Wollongong, there were three religious readings, many instances of standing and sitting while the priest read religious parts, a singing performance, four different people lighting symbolic candles as well as multiple twirls and co-ordinated movements of the bride and groom. The rehearsal was a gong show and everyone left that afternoon with mixed feelings of confusion and extreme nerves.
The morning of the wedding Ryan and I awoke to the noise of 6 squealing girls headed to the beauty parlor down the street. Ryan's brother's girlfriend Alex and I are kind of similar low-key anti-wedding chicks and I was so so so grateful to have her as a wingman that day, especially as we headed to get our hair done down the street at 10am and the bride and all 5 bridesmaids were clucking away lacquering themselves up, sipping champagne and smoking outside.
One of the bridesmaids, the groom's sister, was a bit of a glamazon and complaining loudly about how she didn't like her hair or makeup; Ryan's cousin Erin had declined the manicure session earlier in the week and there were group concerns about the colour of her nail polish; the maid of honour, a regular patron of the tanning beds, had massive chunks of skin peeling off her back and chest and had these being camouflaged with cakey makeup; the bride sat in the corner while getting her ringlets done for 2 hours, the image of a silent grinning deer in the headlights. Alex and I quickly left the scene and fled back to the house to get our dresses on.
Ryan's brother Dean was one of 5 groomsmen so while he was getting ready with the other bucks at the grooms' mum's house Ryan, Alex and I headed to the church to set up the bows along the pews and be ready to receive guests, hand out read-along pamphlets for the ceremony and co-ordinate parking before the ceremony at 3:30.
At 3:00pm the groom, nervously pacing outside in the parking lot, received a call saying that the limo had broken down and wouldn't be able to come pick up the bridesmaids. 0.0 Oh. Dear. God. An announcement was made to the waiting relatives and Ryan, always a knight in shining armor in a crisis, thankfully had a case of cold beer in the back of his parent's car and was able to lubricate the situation. Grandpa Scott and lots of uncles and groomsmen laughed it off while enjoying bottles of Toohey's in the church parking lot. I felt rather Australian at this point.
Several phone calls later alternate rides were made available but the bride and the ladies arrived at 4pm to a packed church; I was already seated near the front but I imagine the crap replacement limo being unloaded like a clown car, the girls all in yellow rushing a quick dart in the church parking lot while sprucing up the fritzing bride.
Like how it turns out for most weddings, in the end it was totally fine. The bridesmaids slowly marched down the aisle glowing and beautiful, the bride and her dad walked down the aisle together despite concerns the dress was too puffy for both of them to fit, people cried, the readings were done with minimal stuttering and bows to the cross correctly executed at the appropriate times (including Ryan's! Yay! His mum was a little concerned on that one), candles were lit and no one caught on fire.
Time for the reception!! After nailing a couple beers in the parking lot, we headed to the event centre which was all lit up like high school grad, cakes on display, slushy machines in the corner dispensing purple and orange boozy drinks, spring rolls and tapa plates all around.
First courses were served, then all the bridal party made their entrance to their chosen songs (Thriller by MJ, Let's Dance by Bowie, Black Eyed Peas.... you get the gist). When the bride and groom entered they had a big dip kiss in front of the head table and off went the indoor fireworks. Wow.
More food, lamb and risotto and calamari nom nom nom. Toasts, some very heartfelt, some read mechanically from flash cards, but I think the winner was the peeling maid of honour who shared with all friends and family present how there was always a special connection between her and Lisa, they eyed each other up in school all the time, their first sleep over was magical.... then the best man did his speech, prefacing it with an apology for not having any lesbian stories to share.
Ryan got well pissed and danced like a machine, by 9pm becoming quite the expert at the running man. Many of the dudes present were pretty good dancers, and I had a great time breaking it down in a very PG way with the cousins and aunties. That's the thing about an updo and a dress that's just a bit too tight - reminds you to keep it classy. :-D
Which leads me to my favourite part of the evening - the dance off between the bridesmaids and the groomsmen. As I said before, many of the dudes were pretty good, able to do crowd surfing with just 6 dudes, lots of one leggers and fancy footwork... the bridesmaids on the other hand.... they ended up "winning" with the scariest rump-shaking I've ever seen. Seriously. Peeling maid of honour, well pissed, ended up riding another bridesmaid who was spread eagle laying on the dancefloor, yellow dress hiked way way way up there. Ryan's mum and Dad broke their eye contact with the nude-thonged squatchi on display in front of them and asked me if this kind of thing is popular in Canada. Uh.... no? :-D
All in all the bride was happy with the whole thing, despite some hitches: the fog machine broke down half-way between their romantic first dance and the operator was kicking it loudly for all to see. The whole thing ran late and she didn't get a chance to throw the bouqet or the garter. The limo broke. The dance off. But all in all, she was married, the food was amazing, her dress was a sparkling vision and there wasn't a fight in the parking lot.
The day before the wedding (on 11-11-11) there was a rehearsal ceremony at the church for all parents, bridesmaids and groomsen. All weddings are pretty much the same right? Bridesmaids walk up the aisle to the waiting groomsmen, bride walks down the aisle with her dad, "I do I do", kiss the bride - done. For this particular ceremony, held at the Little Flower St. Therese Catholic Church in Wollongong, there were three religious readings, many instances of standing and sitting while the priest read religious parts, a singing performance, four different people lighting symbolic candles as well as multiple twirls and co-ordinated movements of the bride and groom. The rehearsal was a gong show and everyone left that afternoon with mixed feelings of confusion and extreme nerves.
The morning of the wedding Ryan and I awoke to the noise of 6 squealing girls headed to the beauty parlor down the street. Ryan's brother's girlfriend Alex and I are kind of similar low-key anti-wedding chicks and I was so so so grateful to have her as a wingman that day, especially as we headed to get our hair done down the street at 10am and the bride and all 5 bridesmaids were clucking away lacquering themselves up, sipping champagne and smoking outside.
One of the bridesmaids, the groom's sister, was a bit of a glamazon and complaining loudly about how she didn't like her hair or makeup; Ryan's cousin Erin had declined the manicure session earlier in the week and there were group concerns about the colour of her nail polish; the maid of honour, a regular patron of the tanning beds, had massive chunks of skin peeling off her back and chest and had these being camouflaged with cakey makeup; the bride sat in the corner while getting her ringlets done for 2 hours, the image of a silent grinning deer in the headlights. Alex and I quickly left the scene and fled back to the house to get our dresses on.
Ryan's brother Dean was one of 5 groomsmen so while he was getting ready with the other bucks at the grooms' mum's house Ryan, Alex and I headed to the church to set up the bows along the pews and be ready to receive guests, hand out read-along pamphlets for the ceremony and co-ordinate parking before the ceremony at 3:30.
At 3:00pm the groom, nervously pacing outside in the parking lot, received a call saying that the limo had broken down and wouldn't be able to come pick up the bridesmaids. 0.0 Oh. Dear. God. An announcement was made to the waiting relatives and Ryan, always a knight in shining armor in a crisis, thankfully had a case of cold beer in the back of his parent's car and was able to lubricate the situation. Grandpa Scott and lots of uncles and groomsmen laughed it off while enjoying bottles of Toohey's in the church parking lot. I felt rather Australian at this point.
Several phone calls later alternate rides were made available but the bride and the ladies arrived at 4pm to a packed church; I was already seated near the front but I imagine the crap replacement limo being unloaded like a clown car, the girls all in yellow rushing a quick dart in the church parking lot while sprucing up the fritzing bride.
Like how it turns out for most weddings, in the end it was totally fine. The bridesmaids slowly marched down the aisle glowing and beautiful, the bride and her dad walked down the aisle together despite concerns the dress was too puffy for both of them to fit, people cried, the readings were done with minimal stuttering and bows to the cross correctly executed at the appropriate times (including Ryan's! Yay! His mum was a little concerned on that one), candles were lit and no one caught on fire.
Time for the reception!! After nailing a couple beers in the parking lot, we headed to the event centre which was all lit up like high school grad, cakes on display, slushy machines in the corner dispensing purple and orange boozy drinks, spring rolls and tapa plates all around.
First courses were served, then all the bridal party made their entrance to their chosen songs (Thriller by MJ, Let's Dance by Bowie, Black Eyed Peas.... you get the gist). When the bride and groom entered they had a big dip kiss in front of the head table and off went the indoor fireworks. Wow.
More food, lamb and risotto and calamari nom nom nom. Toasts, some very heartfelt, some read mechanically from flash cards, but I think the winner was the peeling maid of honour who shared with all friends and family present how there was always a special connection between her and Lisa, they eyed each other up in school all the time, their first sleep over was magical.... then the best man did his speech, prefacing it with an apology for not having any lesbian stories to share.
Ryan got well pissed and danced like a machine, by 9pm becoming quite the expert at the running man. Many of the dudes present were pretty good dancers, and I had a great time breaking it down in a very PG way with the cousins and aunties. That's the thing about an updo and a dress that's just a bit too tight - reminds you to keep it classy. :-D
Which leads me to my favourite part of the evening - the dance off between the bridesmaids and the groomsmen. As I said before, many of the dudes were pretty good, able to do crowd surfing with just 6 dudes, lots of one leggers and fancy footwork... the bridesmaids on the other hand.... they ended up "winning" with the scariest rump-shaking I've ever seen. Seriously. Peeling maid of honour, well pissed, ended up riding another bridesmaid who was spread eagle laying on the dancefloor, yellow dress hiked way way way up there. Ryan's mum and Dad broke their eye contact with the nude-thonged squatchi on display in front of them and asked me if this kind of thing is popular in Canada. Uh.... no? :-D
All in all the bride was happy with the whole thing, despite some hitches: the fog machine broke down half-way between their romantic first dance and the operator was kicking it loudly for all to see. The whole thing ran late and she didn't get a chance to throw the bouqet or the garter. The limo broke. The dance off. But all in all, she was married, the food was amazing, her dress was a sparkling vision and there wasn't a fight in the parking lot.
How to Fly
The flight from Hong Kong to Shanghai and Shanghai to Sydney was the best flight travel experience I've had to date! I was nervous to fly with Air China because our flights were so cheap ($2000 CAD to fly Vancouver - Shanghai - Hong Kong - Shanghai - Sydney). This was later compounded when a close lady friend told me her flight with Air China was crap. While I certainly wouldn't describe it as luxurious or even Very Good, I think international flights are kind of like yearly visits to the doctor - completely unpleasant as a rule but completely necessary if you want to keep on keeping on.
I've done 10+ hour flights quite a few times now and consider myself a bit of an expert, so much so that I'm going to lay out my top 5 tips right meow:
1) Pair Up
Whether you're traveling with your Dad or your man friend, I find the devil you know is always preferable. Traveling solo? Find a friend while waiting to board and/ or at the airport bar. This shouldn't be difficult for young folks, and yes, I always recommend talking to strangers when you're traveling.
2) Drink
I heard somewhere that you're more likely to survive a car accident if you're impaired as the body is relaxed and more limber. haha ok that may be complete BS but I really do think having a few is a good way to chill out and just embrace the fact that you're "sitting in a tin can high above the world" for the next 12 hours. If you're Ryan, you'll have 4 Kirin beers at the Shanghai airport and then 4 more on the flight by sweet talking the stewardesses. Warning: this may lead to being so wasted that you're throwing hot hand towels at sleeping people. Seriously. :-/
3) Eat
In a perfect world airplane food would be prepared by Bobby Flay right before your eyes using fresh organic local ingredients. This may exist in first class (who knows what goes on up there really) but most of what I've got is not something I'd call appetizing. Too bad, so sad - eat it. You need the energy and you will be in a very very bitchy mood if you don't eat for 12 hours. Bring your own snacks for sure, but if you've already paid for the crappy airline food the least you can do is use some of it as fuel. Close your eyes and pretend it's something else and your plate will be clean before you can say "here comes the airplane."
PS - On the way to Hong Kong I was pretty turned off by the food. Then on the way to Sydney, after paying to eat street food for a week, I found it totally yummy! Weird.
4) Sleep
Sleeping pills and earplugs. If I'm drinking I only take one pill just on the off chance I get all Uma-Thurman-Pulp-Fiction. Here's a fun trick! Wear a super fluffy hoodie on the day you travel. If you're in Hawaii or Hong Kong or some other warm humid place people will look at you like you're an idiot... until they're wrestling with a shit airline pillow and a flimsy blanket and you have a nice fluffy thing for a flexi pillow. And you know where that thing has been. Aaaand you can fold it all up leaving a sleeve out then flip the sleeve over your eyes for a sleep mask!! oooh glamorous!
5) Bring Your Own Entertainment
If you're flying Air China or any other el cheapo airline you better believe there will be no screen on the back of the seat in front of you. For our flights, Ryan and I were treated to sparsely placed TVs throughout the cabin, some of which had shit colour where half the screen was yellow tones and the other was purple. These screens displayed the flight progress on a map, a nature show on Ostriches (in Chinese with English audio), America's funniest home videos ("") and a crappy movie I'd never heard of (""). This rotated every four hours.... really really glad I brought a book and Ryan bought an FHM.
I've done 10+ hour flights quite a few times now and consider myself a bit of an expert, so much so that I'm going to lay out my top 5 tips right meow:
1) Pair Up
Whether you're traveling with your Dad or your man friend, I find the devil you know is always preferable. Traveling solo? Find a friend while waiting to board and/ or at the airport bar. This shouldn't be difficult for young folks, and yes, I always recommend talking to strangers when you're traveling.
2) Drink
I heard somewhere that you're more likely to survive a car accident if you're impaired as the body is relaxed and more limber. haha ok that may be complete BS but I really do think having a few is a good way to chill out and just embrace the fact that you're "sitting in a tin can high above the world" for the next 12 hours. If you're Ryan, you'll have 4 Kirin beers at the Shanghai airport and then 4 more on the flight by sweet talking the stewardesses. Warning: this may lead to being so wasted that you're throwing hot hand towels at sleeping people. Seriously. :-/
3) Eat
In a perfect world airplane food would be prepared by Bobby Flay right before your eyes using fresh organic local ingredients. This may exist in first class (who knows what goes on up there really) but most of what I've got is not something I'd call appetizing. Too bad, so sad - eat it. You need the energy and you will be in a very very bitchy mood if you don't eat for 12 hours. Bring your own snacks for sure, but if you've already paid for the crappy airline food the least you can do is use some of it as fuel. Close your eyes and pretend it's something else and your plate will be clean before you can say "here comes the airplane."
PS - On the way to Hong Kong I was pretty turned off by the food. Then on the way to Sydney, after paying to eat street food for a week, I found it totally yummy! Weird.
4) Sleep
Sleeping pills and earplugs. If I'm drinking I only take one pill just on the off chance I get all Uma-Thurman-Pulp-Fiction. Here's a fun trick! Wear a super fluffy hoodie on the day you travel. If you're in Hawaii or Hong Kong or some other warm humid place people will look at you like you're an idiot... until they're wrestling with a shit airline pillow and a flimsy blanket and you have a nice fluffy thing for a flexi pillow. And you know where that thing has been. Aaaand you can fold it all up leaving a sleeve out then flip the sleeve over your eyes for a sleep mask!! oooh glamorous!
5) Bring Your Own Entertainment
If you're flying Air China or any other el cheapo airline you better believe there will be no screen on the back of the seat in front of you. For our flights, Ryan and I were treated to sparsely placed TVs throughout the cabin, some of which had shit colour where half the screen was yellow tones and the other was purple. These screens displayed the flight progress on a map, a nature show on Ostriches (in Chinese with English audio), America's funniest home videos ("") and a crappy movie I'd never heard of (""). This rotated every four hours.... really really glad I brought a book and Ryan bought an FHM.
Monday, November 14, 2011
My Recommendations for Hong Kong Travel: A Series of Dos and Do Nots
Here's what I wish I knew before I went to Hong Kong.... and maybe some things I suspected and then had confirmed for me in a very real way.
DO travel with another person. Espeically if you're a chick and/ or are North American and/ or it's your first time in Asia. Hong Kong is a bumping city with lots going on and 2 sets of eyes barely seem like enough to take it all in.
DO NOT make too much fuss about booking a room in advance, unless you like things that are clean and safe. In which case you should probably do these things. There was a conference in town during the time we were visiting which prevented us from getting a room in any of the Central or Kowloon hotels. As for transportation, same rule applies! Yes the bus is cheap, but the driving is absolutely terrifying, and the experience is only compounded by sitting in the upper floor of a double decker. You know the driving is nuts when Aussie is white knuckled on the holy shit handle. MTR subway system is even more cheap, and as a bonus you get to snuggle lots of new friends!!! :-P
DO your best to try new food. In fact, I challenge anyone to be in Hong Kong for 4 nights and NOT eat something completely new because this is impossible. Unless you're super loaded I suppose and can afford to eat at the genuine Itallian restaurants, or can sleep with yourself at night knowing you flew a bijillion miles to eat KFC and McDs. Street food is great!!! Bacon wrapped hot dog things on a stick, amazing calamari on a stick, bag full of spicy chicken/ duck bits... which leads me to my next point...
DO NOT expect to be accommodated if you are any breed of veggiesaurus. Meat. Everywhere.
DO buy an extra suitcase to bring gifts and souvenirs! Especially gifts for yourself because clothes are CHEAP!! Aussie is kicking himself for not buying more board shorts or t shirts; actual Billabong shorts with wax comb and all for $10 CAD, t shirts for like $4.
DO NOT let the scariness of Hong Kong scare you. Ok, the massive crowds everywhere all the time put me into hyperventilation multiple times and I'm not even claustrophobic. So do most of your walking around in the morning when stuff is closed and no one's out. Yes, the dude putting handfuls of pork on your rice just wiped his eyes and nose before doing your order. Take acidophilus, bring pepto, drink tea, it's probably fine. Probably.
When people ask about our trip here at first Ryan was spouting off tons of negatives: "it's crazy! it's busy! I never want to eat Chinese food again! pollution!" Then a few days later, perhaps once we were over the novelty of quiet and fresh air of the Illwara, he was telling everyone to go there because it's easy to do it on the cheap and it's a blowout. You should go there!
DO travel with another person. Espeically if you're a chick and/ or are North American and/ or it's your first time in Asia. Hong Kong is a bumping city with lots going on and 2 sets of eyes barely seem like enough to take it all in.
DO NOT make too much fuss about booking a room in advance, unless you like things that are clean and safe. In which case you should probably do these things. There was a conference in town during the time we were visiting which prevented us from getting a room in any of the Central or Kowloon hotels. As for transportation, same rule applies! Yes the bus is cheap, but the driving is absolutely terrifying, and the experience is only compounded by sitting in the upper floor of a double decker. You know the driving is nuts when Aussie is white knuckled on the holy shit handle. MTR subway system is even more cheap, and as a bonus you get to snuggle lots of new friends!!! :-P
DO your best to try new food. In fact, I challenge anyone to be in Hong Kong for 4 nights and NOT eat something completely new because this is impossible. Unless you're super loaded I suppose and can afford to eat at the genuine Itallian restaurants, or can sleep with yourself at night knowing you flew a bijillion miles to eat KFC and McDs. Street food is great!!! Bacon wrapped hot dog things on a stick, amazing calamari on a stick, bag full of spicy chicken/ duck bits... which leads me to my next point...
DO NOT expect to be accommodated if you are any breed of veggiesaurus. Meat. Everywhere.
DO buy an extra suitcase to bring gifts and souvenirs! Especially gifts for yourself because clothes are CHEAP!! Aussie is kicking himself for not buying more board shorts or t shirts; actual Billabong shorts with wax comb and all for $10 CAD, t shirts for like $4.
DO NOT let the scariness of Hong Kong scare you. Ok, the massive crowds everywhere all the time put me into hyperventilation multiple times and I'm not even claustrophobic. So do most of your walking around in the morning when stuff is closed and no one's out. Yes, the dude putting handfuls of pork on your rice just wiped his eyes and nose before doing your order. Take acidophilus, bring pepto, drink tea, it's probably fine. Probably.
When people ask about our trip here at first Ryan was spouting off tons of negatives: "it's crazy! it's busy! I never want to eat Chinese food again! pollution!" Then a few days later, perhaps once we were over the novelty of quiet and fresh air of the Illwara, he was telling everyone to go there because it's easy to do it on the cheap and it's a blowout. You should go there!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Hong Kong Gong Show
Imagine ripping along the highway through Hong Kong at 2am in a broken-ass Toyota Comfort. Buzzing past the massive sky scrapers of Hong Kong's Central district at 140km an hour, your bags are crammed into the trunk held together with a bungee strap and you're in a cab with your Aussie man friend and 2 random Swedish girls gripping the holy shit handle for dear life. The driver repeats "Happy hour! Happy hour!" and you're wondering if your travel insurance covers kidnapping. Although the sign in the airport bathroom discouraged accepting rides from unidentified strangers, after 34 hours of straight travel Aussie and I were beyond giving a shit.
Hold on a second, Mr Ken is at the door inquiring about the status of Ryan's suit fitting. Mr Ken is one of the helpful street gentleman that will bend over backwards to line you up with a suit, a restaurant, lady's handbag excellent price, all of which can be found at the Mirador Mansion where we are staying.
Just down the street on Nathan Rd. is where we spent last night, at the Chung King Mansion. As we stepped out of the cab, the driver encouraged us towards the scariest looking building ever and told us we'll get the best price at one of these "inns". A gentleman so conveniently saw us step out of the cab with our giant luggage with fresh airport tags and whisked us up to his guest suite on the 11th floor where we could stay for a special price for $300 HKD ($39 CAD). And so, exhausted and so over it, we accepted and stayed in the scariest establishment I have ever seen in my life:
After our sleep/ semi-coma Aussie and I got on the mission to find a new nest pronto. After going through the Lonely Planet guide and striking out at a dozen different hotels, we decided to take to the streets. We started at the top of the Chung King Mansion and worked our way down from the 15th floor to the 8th, also striking out at every floor. Shit.
We then decided to go get breakfast, as that tends to fix most things, and sure enough it did. On the street we met Mr. Ken - a slight Indonesian (?) man who speaks great English, Mandarin and Cantonese and is probably a pimp. At least the pimp of the Mirador Mansion. I suspect he wears a wig and right off the bat he kind of reminded me of Norman, one of my favourite customers at the bookstore. Mr. Ken asked us if we were looking for a room and took us upstairs to a suite - cleaner than the one we were in but still not that great. After stopping at a few different spots he took us to the Satisfy Guest House, where I am now writing from:
Clean, glorious clean!!!! Air conditioning!! A view!! Doesn't look like a murder scene!! We negotiated the rate with the owner, Miss Lee, down to $550 HKD ($70 CAD) per night and will happily be staying here for the remainder of our time in Hong Kong. Phew!
So after getting nested, we walked around a bit, talked to a few different dudes about getting a suit made for Ryan, checked out Kowloon Park and the water front - all is well!! Making plans to check out Central tomorrow for views and brews. Everything is so busy, so fast, so jam packed with people it's nuts!!! Considering this is his first go in Asia, I'm very happy to say Aussie is doing just fine, joking around with everyone we meet and way into it. And I got a new dress at H&M for $7 Canadian dollars. Eff yes. :-D
Hold on a second, Mr Ken is at the door inquiring about the status of Ryan's suit fitting. Mr Ken is one of the helpful street gentleman that will bend over backwards to line you up with a suit, a restaurant, lady's handbag excellent price, all of which can be found at the Mirador Mansion where we are staying.
Just down the street on Nathan Rd. is where we spent last night, at the Chung King Mansion. As we stepped out of the cab, the driver encouraged us towards the scariest looking building ever and told us we'll get the best price at one of these "inns". A gentleman so conveniently saw us step out of the cab with our giant luggage with fresh airport tags and whisked us up to his guest suite on the 11th floor where we could stay for a special price for $300 HKD ($39 CAD). And so, exhausted and so over it, we accepted and stayed in the scariest establishment I have ever seen in my life:
After our sleep/ semi-coma Aussie and I got on the mission to find a new nest pronto. After going through the Lonely Planet guide and striking out at a dozen different hotels, we decided to take to the streets. We started at the top of the Chung King Mansion and worked our way down from the 15th floor to the 8th, also striking out at every floor. Shit.
We then decided to go get breakfast, as that tends to fix most things, and sure enough it did. On the street we met Mr. Ken - a slight Indonesian (?) man who speaks great English, Mandarin and Cantonese and is probably a pimp. At least the pimp of the Mirador Mansion. I suspect he wears a wig and right off the bat he kind of reminded me of Norman, one of my favourite customers at the bookstore. Mr. Ken asked us if we were looking for a room and took us upstairs to a suite - cleaner than the one we were in but still not that great. After stopping at a few different spots he took us to the Satisfy Guest House, where I am now writing from:
Clean, glorious clean!!!! Air conditioning!! A view!! Doesn't look like a murder scene!! We negotiated the rate with the owner, Miss Lee, down to $550 HKD ($70 CAD) per night and will happily be staying here for the remainder of our time in Hong Kong. Phew!
So after getting nested, we walked around a bit, talked to a few different dudes about getting a suit made for Ryan, checked out Kowloon Park and the water front - all is well!! Making plans to check out Central tomorrow for views and brews. Everything is so busy, so fast, so jam packed with people it's nuts!!! Considering this is his first go in Asia, I'm very happy to say Aussie is doing just fine, joking around with everyone we meet and way into it. And I got a new dress at H&M for $7 Canadian dollars. Eff yes. :-D
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Let the Good Times Roll!!
Whoo back on the road on a new adventure!!! Back on the old HP mini chilling in an airport, about the same thing I was doing this time last year.... some differences though:
2010:
Left on the 7pm Ferry, had dinner in the coastal buffet with Dad and met Harley and Joan at the airport.
2011:
Left on the 7am Ferry, watched the sunrise with Aussie and saw whales on the ferry for the first time ever, arrived with plenty of time to cruise duty free and purchase MAC, booze and maple syrop.
Just like last year, I'll update this thing as often as I can to let pals know where I'm at and what I'm up to.
The flight is like 10 hours or something to Shanghai, I never check the flight times because it just makes you feel bad to have that laid out in front of you. I'd rather already be strapped in before I know what I'm in for, like a roller coaster.
Once we get to Shanghai we have a 4 hr layover to switch plains, stretch legs, eat unusual food and people watch. Ryan is designated in charge of Chinese money, we both feel rather fancy to have three kinds of currency on us. Too bad we forgot the leftover Aussie money at home or we could make it four! :-P
Should probably start reading that Rough Guide to Hong Kong I bought at the bookstore so.... see you in Asia baby!!!
2010:
Left on the 7pm Ferry, had dinner in the coastal buffet with Dad and met Harley and Joan at the airport.
2011:
Left on the 7am Ferry, watched the sunrise with Aussie and saw whales on the ferry for the first time ever, arrived with plenty of time to cruise duty free and purchase MAC, booze and maple syrop.
Just like last year, I'll update this thing as often as I can to let pals know where I'm at and what I'm up to.
The flight is like 10 hours or something to Shanghai, I never check the flight times because it just makes you feel bad to have that laid out in front of you. I'd rather already be strapped in before I know what I'm in for, like a roller coaster.
Once we get to Shanghai we have a 4 hr layover to switch plains, stretch legs, eat unusual food and people watch. Ryan is designated in charge of Chinese money, we both feel rather fancy to have three kinds of currency on us. Too bad we forgot the leftover Aussie money at home or we could make it four! :-P
Should probably start reading that Rough Guide to Hong Kong I bought at the bookstore so.... see you in Asia baby!!!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Greetings from outside Brisbane!!
Yay I have internet again!! :-)
I've fallen a bit behind in the blogging but will be catching up a bit today - in short I can say that Aerlie Beach was incredible, I went snorkeling and fishing on the Great Barrier Reef just off of Hayman Island. Getting blind drunk pretty much every night as we're couch surfing visiting the boys' old friends.
Currently I'm chilling out in the kids playroom at Tommo's house, Ryan and Gamble are swimming in the inlet just in front of the house. We'll be driving around to check out Brisbane at some point today, then headed down to Byron Bay in a few before finally getting back to Wollongong on the 18th.
I've fallen a bit behind in the blogging but will be catching up a bit today - in short I can say that Aerlie Beach was incredible, I went snorkeling and fishing on the Great Barrier Reef just off of Hayman Island. Getting blind drunk pretty much every night as we're couch surfing visiting the boys' old friends.
Currently I'm chilling out in the kids playroom at Tommo's house, Ryan and Gamble are swimming in the inlet just in front of the house. We'll be driving around to check out Brisbane at some point today, then headed down to Byron Bay in a few before finally getting back to Wollongong on the 18th.
Life on Mars (From Feb 4th)
Arriving in Darwin was like landing on another planet...
Flying up here was one of the best times I've had on an airplane - Ryan and I got fairly smashed during the flight and enjoyed some beers while reading a Zoo magazine together. He happened to know two dudes from his hometown on the plane who were a couple of male strippers going to a gig. One of the boys made good friends with a stewardess and helped out on the plane collecting empties and garbage. I think I saw them sneak to the back together.... and then later she was passed out in the seat behind us snoring loudly bent over with her sleeping mask falling off her face. o.O
Flying over Australia was so beautiful, hands down the most scenic flight I've ever had. Before we knew it the 4 hour flight was over and when we touched down, it was literally like I'd landed on Mars - the earth is red, and the plane cabin was full of this David Bowie-music video-esque smokey steam. Apparently this is condensation going through the air conditioning unit and is completely normal... apparently.
Gamble was waiting for us at the airport and we painlessly picked our luggage off the conveyor belt and loaded it into the troopee, including our swags (mattresses with a little tarp over them like a tent). Had a few beers while driving around and grabbed some groceries to make spag bol (spaghetti bolognese).
We ended up getting completely smashed with Star and Fav, the owners of the house Gamble is staying at. They have twin twelve year old boys who are really into reptiles and they were more than happy to show me their pythons and blue tongue lizards. They're such amazingly well-mannered boys and Star is a total free spirit, such a sweet heart. Her and I like to swim around in the pool in the evening drinking while the boys all have their man time together wrestling like idiots. She's chatting with Ryan and I as I'm writing this and just said how last Christmas she "chucked some roo on the barbie, it was lovely."
Meanwhile the news was on the whole time and we watched cyclone Yasi hit land, category 6 cyclone, the biggest in Australian history. Yes, I've whitnessed the largest flood AND the largest cyclone during my time here.
While Cairns and Mission Beach got totally fucked over, thankfully no one was killed. It's also good news that the roads aren't too terrible so we can drive down the coast through Aerlie Beach and the Gold Coast - for a minute there we were thinking we would have to drive through the interior the whole way, aka days and days and days of red Aussie desert Mad Max style.
Yesterday we drove around Darwin, grabbed a bite to eat to nurse the hangover. Gamble later ended up puking this up at the servo (gas station) and then when we were driving out in the bush he took a terrible emergency shit. That was the first time I saw Gamble naked yesterday...
Later in the afternoon we went to the Leaping Croc park. Half pissed (yes, we got more beers again) we loaded into a boat with ten other tourists to cruise up the river. The guides tie a chunk of buffalo meat to a long string attached to a stick and dangle it over the face of the crocs who swim up to the boat. They tease them into jumping out of the water so you can take pics, then after a few jumps they feed them and you hear this epic CHOMP as the glup it down. We saw four crocs, one was just little at 2 meters and two were fucking massive males, over 4 meters. :-/
We then headed to the Humpty Doo pub for a beer... which turned into a lot of beers. Being at this pub was like being in the Crocodile Dundee movie to the extreme - Gamble and Ryan in their croc hats, shirtless and chilling out in a sweaty red-dusted pub with dozens of terrifying-looking good old Aussie boys. Me, feeling a lot like Sue trying to keep a low profile in my aviators, everyone staring at me because I`m sticking out like a sore thumb. We ended up getting totally BLIND, chilling out on the patio barefoot in a singlet (tank top) while watching the lightning and pouring rain.
Headed back to the house, I switched to water at this point as I was so messed up but the boys got into it pretty hard... Gamble and Fav naked wrestling two separate times (the 2nd and 3rd time I saw Gamble naked). Then they cracked into the home brew beer, a few days early apparently, and shit got mental. The boys went hunting around the yard and found a tree frog, which was the 3rd species of reptile encounter I`d had in 24 hours haha.
Also saw a video the boys made when they were like 20, so so funny. Ryan wakeboarding, duct taped to the floor getting tomato sauce (ketchup) poured all over his face and being taunted with a fan, talking to the cops totally hammered. Gamble catching enormous fish. Fav falling out of the tinny (aluminum boat) totally hammered, setting off fire crackers, cracking an egg on Star`s face when she`s passed out... funny shit. :-P
Today we`re going to get organized for the big road trip, gather supplies and make sure the boat and troopee is good to go. Probably going to grab a kangaroo burger in a bit...
Straight up - Darwin is the most bizarre place ever. It`s so hot here and so so humid, just moist and sweating and thirsty all the time. Like Hawaii times a million. People make fun of how Australians drink all the time but up here it`s like a necessity. And this is the wet season, I can`t imagine how batshit hot it is here during the dry.
Flying up here was one of the best times I've had on an airplane - Ryan and I got fairly smashed during the flight and enjoyed some beers while reading a Zoo magazine together. He happened to know two dudes from his hometown on the plane who were a couple of male strippers going to a gig. One of the boys made good friends with a stewardess and helped out on the plane collecting empties and garbage. I think I saw them sneak to the back together.... and then later she was passed out in the seat behind us snoring loudly bent over with her sleeping mask falling off her face. o.O
Flying over Australia was so beautiful, hands down the most scenic flight I've ever had. Before we knew it the 4 hour flight was over and when we touched down, it was literally like I'd landed on Mars - the earth is red, and the plane cabin was full of this David Bowie-music video-esque smokey steam. Apparently this is condensation going through the air conditioning unit and is completely normal... apparently.
Gamble was waiting for us at the airport and we painlessly picked our luggage off the conveyor belt and loaded it into the troopee, including our swags (mattresses with a little tarp over them like a tent). Had a few beers while driving around and grabbed some groceries to make spag bol (spaghetti bolognese).
We ended up getting completely smashed with Star and Fav, the owners of the house Gamble is staying at. They have twin twelve year old boys who are really into reptiles and they were more than happy to show me their pythons and blue tongue lizards. They're such amazingly well-mannered boys and Star is a total free spirit, such a sweet heart. Her and I like to swim around in the pool in the evening drinking while the boys all have their man time together wrestling like idiots. She's chatting with Ryan and I as I'm writing this and just said how last Christmas she "chucked some roo on the barbie, it was lovely."
Meanwhile the news was on the whole time and we watched cyclone Yasi hit land, category 6 cyclone, the biggest in Australian history. Yes, I've whitnessed the largest flood AND the largest cyclone during my time here.
While Cairns and Mission Beach got totally fucked over, thankfully no one was killed. It's also good news that the roads aren't too terrible so we can drive down the coast through Aerlie Beach and the Gold Coast - for a minute there we were thinking we would have to drive through the interior the whole way, aka days and days and days of red Aussie desert Mad Max style.
Yesterday we drove around Darwin, grabbed a bite to eat to nurse the hangover. Gamble later ended up puking this up at the servo (gas station) and then when we were driving out in the bush he took a terrible emergency shit. That was the first time I saw Gamble naked yesterday...
Later in the afternoon we went to the Leaping Croc park. Half pissed (yes, we got more beers again) we loaded into a boat with ten other tourists to cruise up the river. The guides tie a chunk of buffalo meat to a long string attached to a stick and dangle it over the face of the crocs who swim up to the boat. They tease them into jumping out of the water so you can take pics, then after a few jumps they feed them and you hear this epic CHOMP as the glup it down. We saw four crocs, one was just little at 2 meters and two were fucking massive males, over 4 meters. :-/
We then headed to the Humpty Doo pub for a beer... which turned into a lot of beers. Being at this pub was like being in the Crocodile Dundee movie to the extreme - Gamble and Ryan in their croc hats, shirtless and chilling out in a sweaty red-dusted pub with dozens of terrifying-looking good old Aussie boys. Me, feeling a lot like Sue trying to keep a low profile in my aviators, everyone staring at me because I`m sticking out like a sore thumb. We ended up getting totally BLIND, chilling out on the patio barefoot in a singlet (tank top) while watching the lightning and pouring rain.
Headed back to the house, I switched to water at this point as I was so messed up but the boys got into it pretty hard... Gamble and Fav naked wrestling two separate times (the 2nd and 3rd time I saw Gamble naked). Then they cracked into the home brew beer, a few days early apparently, and shit got mental. The boys went hunting around the yard and found a tree frog, which was the 3rd species of reptile encounter I`d had in 24 hours haha.
Also saw a video the boys made when they were like 20, so so funny. Ryan wakeboarding, duct taped to the floor getting tomato sauce (ketchup) poured all over his face and being taunted with a fan, talking to the cops totally hammered. Gamble catching enormous fish. Fav falling out of the tinny (aluminum boat) totally hammered, setting off fire crackers, cracking an egg on Star`s face when she`s passed out... funny shit. :-P
Today we`re going to get organized for the big road trip, gather supplies and make sure the boat and troopee is good to go. Probably going to grab a kangaroo burger in a bit...
Straight up - Darwin is the most bizarre place ever. It`s so hot here and so so humid, just moist and sweating and thirsty all the time. Like Hawaii times a million. People make fun of how Australians drink all the time but up here it`s like a necessity. And this is the wet season, I can`t imagine how batshit hot it is here during the dry.
Monday, February 7, 2011
I've survived the outback!!
Greetings from Aerlie Beach!!!
I typed up a few blog entries while cruising across the outback but they're saved on my laptop... which is out of juice. :-(
So I'll quickly say hi from this internet cafe, still alive and not in jail, and I'll toss up more detailed posts later. :-)
I typed up a few blog entries while cruising across the outback but they're saved on my laptop... which is out of juice. :-(
So I'll quickly say hi from this internet cafe, still alive and not in jail, and I'll toss up more detailed posts later. :-)
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Highway to Hell
I'm back on the road!!!
Ryan's best friend Gamble is coming back to Wollongong and he's bringing his ute and boat back with him. So he asked if Ryan and I want to fly up to Darwin to meet him and do the road trip back south with him. Something like 6,000 miles, through the red Australian outback, over to Northern Queensland (home of the Great Barrier Reef) and then alllllll the way down to Wollongong.
I've done epic road trips before - when I was 18 I drove from Vancouver to San Francisco in 22 hours in a '67 Impala with a boyfriend and his best friend on the 4th of July. This road trip is going to have a few more variables, and it will also be way way way longer.
Potential obstacles that could be considered "cons":
- The first two or three days will be in the red Australian desert, where temperatures can reach 45 or more
- I'm driving with a fairly new boyfriend known as Ryan Behavesalot Scott and his best mate Gamble, who has a mullet and an earring
- We're driving straight into a category 4 cyclone aka Australian for big ass hurricane. This thing is going to be massive but we should miss it by at least a couple days...
- And if it looks like we're going to drive straight into it, we'll be driving through Walkabout Creek. That's right Crocodile Dundee fans, home of Mick Dundee.
Awesome trip highlights will include:
- Swimming at Aerlie Beach, apparently some of the most beautiful blue water in Australia
- Checking out the Great Barrier Reef and possibly FISHING there :-P
- Checking out Surfer's Paradise, Brisbane and other amazing Gold Coast spots I wanted to check out earlier but couldn't because of the floods.
So yes, this trip will be awesome, but it will be treacherous. For much of the journey we'll be sleeping in swags, an Australian mini-tent which is like a tarp over a mattress. Did I mention that Australia is home to 8/10 of the worlds deadliest snakes and pretty much all the spiders in the world that want to fuck people up?
But as my wise kung fu instructor told me, the other side of fear is fearlessness. So I'm flying out to Darwin tomorrow, chilling there for a couple days, then getting down on this road trip with the boys and bracing myself to see some beautiful Australian scenery.
Wish me luck!!! :-)
Darwin Weather
Ryan's best friend Gamble is coming back to Wollongong and he's bringing his ute and boat back with him. So he asked if Ryan and I want to fly up to Darwin to meet him and do the road trip back south with him. Something like 6,000 miles, through the red Australian outback, over to Northern Queensland (home of the Great Barrier Reef) and then alllllll the way down to Wollongong.
I've done epic road trips before - when I was 18 I drove from Vancouver to San Francisco in 22 hours in a '67 Impala with a boyfriend and his best friend on the 4th of July. This road trip is going to have a few more variables, and it will also be way way way longer.
Potential obstacles that could be considered "cons":
- The first two or three days will be in the red Australian desert, where temperatures can reach 45 or more
- I'm driving with a fairly new boyfriend known as Ryan Behavesalot Scott and his best mate Gamble, who has a mullet and an earring
- We're driving straight into a category 4 cyclone aka Australian for big ass hurricane. This thing is going to be massive but we should miss it by at least a couple days...
- And if it looks like we're going to drive straight into it, we'll be driving through Walkabout Creek. That's right Crocodile Dundee fans, home of Mick Dundee.
Awesome trip highlights will include:
- Swimming at Aerlie Beach, apparently some of the most beautiful blue water in Australia
- Checking out the Great Barrier Reef and possibly FISHING there :-P
- Checking out Surfer's Paradise, Brisbane and other amazing Gold Coast spots I wanted to check out earlier but couldn't because of the floods.
So yes, this trip will be awesome, but it will be treacherous. For much of the journey we'll be sleeping in swags, an Australian mini-tent which is like a tarp over a mattress. Did I mention that Australia is home to 8/10 of the worlds deadliest snakes and pretty much all the spiders in the world that want to fuck people up?
But as my wise kung fu instructor told me, the other side of fear is fearlessness. So I'm flying out to Darwin tomorrow, chilling there for a couple days, then getting down on this road trip with the boys and bracing myself to see some beautiful Australian scenery.
Wish me luck!!! :-)
Darwin Weather
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Big Day Out!! :-@
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I have survived my first Big Day Out festival, which happened to be on my first Australia Day! Everyone in NZ and Australia have said that this event was massive but I really couldn't have imagined the scale of this mother.
Here's some vital stats:
- approximately 50 bands, including Tool, Rammstein, Iggy and the Stooges, Deftones, MIA, Lupe Fiasco, CSS, LCD Soundsystem....
- 60,000 concert goers, about three times the population of my hometown
- Indoor and outdoor venues, silent disco, ferris wheels and rides, fountains and spraying devices everywhere
- Bottle of water $4, can of beer $8
- 10am to 12:30pm, the most massive party ever
- 42 degree, partly cloudy skies
The day before we did a lot of preparation errands; got a case of beer, got me an Oz SIM card so I can make emergency calls if I get lost, washing of favourite clothes to wear such as Ryan's Aussie BBQ board shorts and my neon shirt (or "flouro" in Australian). Apparently Ryan and his pals went to BDO in previous years wearing shirts that said "Flouro sucks" because it was so cliche and cheesy for concert goers to wear neon, but I figure it was worth it to stand out in a crowd in case we all get separated.
Ryan's dad made us a big breakfast of yummy sausage, eggs, and toast and then gave us a lift on his way to work. Went to Wade's place and got the coolers (aka "eskis") and party favours organized. Walked to the Warilla Pub, the local hangout lovingly referred to as Heaven, and met 45ish other folks there waiting for the BDO bus.
As we cruised up from Wollongong to Sydney driving up the highway with dozens of other party buses, we stopped at several pubs along the way for shots and pee breaks, applying sunscreen and zinc on each other between beers. Kind of made me think back to my days on the Kiwi bus, only the people on this BDO bus were all my age or older, everyone was drunk and/ or on drugs and I was the only non-Australian on there.
Entering the stadium was an epic maze of security gates and checkpoints, sniffer dogs, bracelet and ticket checkings but it wasn't long until I had two beers in my fists and was happy dancy dancy in front of The Vines.
The rest of the day is kind of a blur hahaha...... Ryan puked pretty much right after we arrived in the morning from too much medicine, and again later in the evening for the same reason only then it splashed on his mates' legs which was hella funny. :-P
It was so hot during the day that I literally thought I was going to die. It was like in Mario 3 where you're in the desert world and the sun is trying to kill you.
42 degrees and SWEATING INCESSANTLY, just so gross. The only way to stay alive it seemed was to constantly guzzle water, douse yourself in the showers and fountains everywhere as much as possible, and share ice rubdowns with ice stolen from coolers. Overheated, dripping with sweat and water, dirty dusty filthy, dancing like an idiot totally smashed. :-D
Highlights include passing around some aussie peace pipe in the stadium in the late afternoon, and seeing CSS who were SO RAD live - had the time of my life dancing dancing to them in the boiler room, an indoor venue with a ferris wheel and a bunch of people hiding from the sun.
We caught the bus back at about 1am and everyone was totally exhausted and out of it. Ryan had the brilliant idea of grabbing the foamie and sleeping in the living room for the night, the only room in the house with air conditioning. After literally baking myself in my own juices all day it was so so so nice to sleep in a cold room. We've been laying in the fort-bed all day, watching Discovery Chanel and movies, drinking water. aaaaaaah
It was my first ever music festival of any kind, my first Australia Day and my first Big Day Out and I survived it, scary toilets and deadly heat. To be honest I'm totally shocked that I did so well - there's just no way for me to convey how hot and messy the day got without implicating myself too much on here. I'm so proud I didn't get lost, I didn't puke my head off or get way too drunk, I didn't get sunstroke (or even sunburned!! a fucking miracle!!) and I woke up safe and sound.... only I had several new bruises on my legs and blood in my hair from bumping my head and not noticing until the next day. :-P
Monday, January 24, 2011
Oz Songs I`m Loving
Listening to Triple J in the car today, here`s some of my favourite songs I`ve been loving since I`ve arrived in the land down under:
Dancing with the DJ- the partying with the cousins theme song
Treehouse aka Anna and Ryan road trip theme song
Hilltop Hoods, for when we`re feeling especially Oz Gangsta :-P
Dancing with the DJ- the partying with the cousins theme song
Treehouse aka Anna and Ryan road trip theme song
Hilltop Hoods, for when we`re feeling especially Oz Gangsta :-P
One Night in Sydney
Our stay in Sydney was a combination of my closest heart-felt dreams come true... and about 5 minutes of my worst nightmare.
We left Wollongong pretty early in the morning, like 9am, after quickly checking out a few Sydney hotels online and booking one for the night. As it's only an hour and a bit away we arrived in downtown in the blazing heat. We'd looked at so many hotels online we totally forgot the name and address of the one we booked with so Ryan called them up on the cell to check in. Total crap directions and 30 minutes of Australian cursing through Sydney noonhour traffic later and we arrived at The Aspire in Darling Harbour.
Ryan was a little testy about getting incorrect directions, and secretly I think he was still hungover from getting totally plastered with the boys the night before last. Then the chick at the desk was a total idiot and couldn't make his card work, so we put it on my card. Then she gave me the room key - 108. Normally I don't like taking rooms on the first floor but at this point I just wanted air conditioning and lunch fucking ASAP.
We walk into the room and see three beds - a queen and two twins. I ask if Ryan had booked this on purpose in hopes of staging some kind of sexy party for tonight but he just laughed and grumbled something and crashed on one of the twin beds. Meh, whatever, party bed room it is. Turns out the queen bed was a total piece of shit so we joked about sleeping on the 2 twins 1950s style.
After a bit of cricket, a lie down in a cool room and some leftover bbq chicken we were refreshed and ready to hit the town. We started at the Sydney market which is like the Chinese night markets I visited in Taiwan only they were way way way less crowded, the prices weren't quite as cheap ($10 for a shirt instead of $3) and it was more kangaroos and koalas than D&G and Chanel knock offs.
With a cute new mu mu dress and an Aussie fridge magnet to add to my collection, we headed to the harbour and hopped on the Sydney ferry. For about $10 for two people, it's the fastest and least stressful way to get around the pretty touristy area in the harbour. We arrived at the Opera House and I was SO STOKED.
I've wanted to go to Australia since I was a kid, and especially over the past 5 or so years, any time I was unhappy with a job or a situation I was in I kind of visualized myself running away to Australia and standing in front of the Opera House with a triumphant "mwa ahahaha" - this dream came true for me, and in the best possible circumstances. :-)
Beautiful sunny day, in my favourite green skirt and fancy havianas, full of bbq chicken and on the arm of my Australian manwhich, waltzing into the Opera House for an architectural/ historical/ very nerdy tour - a very happy girl.
Two drawbacks - we waited in line for EONS because the dude at the ticket desk was having some kind of fight with someone on the phone named Veronica. At one point a dude near the front of the line shouted "FUCK VERONICA, I just want a fucking ticket!" I love this about Australians. <3 The second drawback was that we wouldn't be able to see the main stage during the tour, the big beautiful awe-inspring one, because Jimmy Buffet is using it to rehearse for his performance later that night. I love Jimmy Buffet and all the childhood memories I have with his music as the soundtrack, so I forgave him for taking a little of the luster off my Opera House moment. :-P
The tour was rad, and even though parts of it were really nerdy and kind of girly (like crap about ballet and art) Ryan totally blew me away with how into it he was. Not only was it amazing to share that tour with him couple-wise, but it was really cool to see him inspecting the tile work and admiring the lack of bubbles in the concrete or the type of wood they use along the walls. *sigh* so dreamy.
High on Opera House fever, we left and headed to a pub for a drink... or three. :-D Watched some cricket at a nearby patio and noticed a theme of 50somethings wearing Hawaiian shirts. In the toilet I learned that the 20 or so floral-patterned friends were headed to the same Jimmy Buffet concert, and were a dedicated fan group called The Parrotheads.
We walked back into Chinatown and got down on some serious sushi for dinner, pretty expensive but very very yummy. Got a bit lost walking back to the hotel but we managed to figure it out with the map we grabbed from the hotel lobby.
Back in the room Ryan passed out almost right away while I watched "Australia" on the tv, probably on in honour of upcoming Australia Day on the 26th. Please note, "Australia" is such a shit movie, even Hugh Jackman's hotness couldn't salvage how shitty Nicole Kidman's performance was. Earlier in the day I'd learned on my Opera House tour that she didn't even act in the Sydney Theatre Group, they delegated her to handing out programmes before the shows.
My back ached from watching the movie on the shitty queen bed and I went to bed, seeing that Ryan had pushed our two twin beds together, although mine which was closest to the patio door was about 4 inches higher than his. So cute. <3
At some point in the night, I wake up to Ryan yelling "There's a fucking crock on the bed over there!! Fucking Dean [his brother]"
"Baby, are you talking in your sleep??"
"oh fuck" mumble mumble mumble....
Later on in the night I wake up to "OI, WHAT???!?!?!?!?!?" in the scariest loud voice I've ever heard Ryan use. I sleepily roll off my stomach and ask him what the fuck and hear this THUMP run run run - he says "there's someone trying to get in the room." :-|
Apparently he woke up hearing a noise on the balcony and saw a shadow of someone right outside the sliding glass door of our first floor room. I freak out and ask if he locked the door before bed and he says "yeah, I didn't even go out there" and when he gets up to check he finds that THE DOOR IS OPEN BY TWO INCHES. That's right, a total psycho was outside our room, three feet away from me separated only by an open sliding glass door as I slept face down in my la senza G-banger. WHAT THE FUCK.
Ryan called reception to tell them about it and the dude was alarmingly nonchalant on the phone, asking if we wanted to call the police or not. Super weird, but we were totally tired and he just told them to fucking sort it out so he could sleep. And then we laid there like Bart Simpson on the Simpson's Halloween episode with the whites of our eyes blinking in terror in the dark.
At this point I think it's important to consider the hypotheticals:
- Ryan usually sleeps like a corpse, except that he snores loud enough to wake the dead. HOW THE FUCK did he hear that noise (that I slept through) and wake up to yell and scare the bad guy away??
- How the fuck did that sliding glass door get opened if neither of us opened it?? Obviously there would be someone in the room at like 4 in the morning - did one of the housekeeping staff knowingly crack the door so I could get stabbed and murdered in the night??
Aaaanyways, possible homicides aside, we had a good sleep in the next morning, threw a shitstorm at reception and payed $100 for our regular priced $170 room.
Parked the car and headed back to the harbour to check out The Endeavour, the replica of the ship Captain Cook was on when he discovered New Zealand was 2 islands and New Holland AKA Australia was a rad new continent. This is pretty much the cream of the crop for me in terms of historical awesomeness and I relished every single second. Ryan, once again, wowed me with all the questions he asked the adorable elderly museum volunteer tour guides and we had a total blast crawling around the decks.
Walking off the boat and coming down off the Captain Cook high we realized the ungodly heat - overcast but for some reason I was dripping sweat from everywhere. Time for a drink and some lunch.
We ended up picking a snazzy harbourside restaurant called El Toro and had this Turkish exchange student waiter who would come to the table to take our drink order, bitch about the heat, bring drinks and bitch about the heat, bring the food and bitch about the heat - you get the idea. It was so hot my margarita on the ice didn't even dent my overheatedness and when I got up from my plastic chair I found that I left an EPIC PUDDLE OF SWEAT. I laughed and showed Ryan and as we walked away, the Turkish waiter saw it and doubled over laughing with a disgusted cringe. yucky. :-P
As we left the restaurant we saw our ferry to go to the zoo so we ran like hell to catch it - nauseating and super not awesome in the blistering heat with guts full of booze and fish and chips. By the time we got the ferry over to the terminal to transfer to the zoo we decided it was too late in the day and just way way way too fucking hot to go to the zoo so we went back to the car and had an easy drive home singing to Triple J on the radio and eating Milo ice cream treats.
Morals of the story:
1) Don't get a room on the first floor if you can help it, even if you're hot and bitchy and tired, don't take it.
2) Always always always check that your patio door is shut and locked before you go to bed.
3) Sydney has terrible traffic, tons and tons and tons of Chinese people and also at least one potential rapist. It's also home to the coolest Captain Cook experience ever and the Opera House - a mix of real real bad and real real good.
4) There is nothing better than splashing around the pool in Ryan's parents back yard, the dog barking and happy, picking passion fruit off his mum's tree, chucking it at each other and eating it over ice cream while I'm wrapped in a sun-warmed towel, listening to the happy sound of nothing that is Mt Illwara, just outside of Wollongong. Did I mention I really really like it here??
We left Wollongong pretty early in the morning, like 9am, after quickly checking out a few Sydney hotels online and booking one for the night. As it's only an hour and a bit away we arrived in downtown in the blazing heat. We'd looked at so many hotels online we totally forgot the name and address of the one we booked with so Ryan called them up on the cell to check in. Total crap directions and 30 minutes of Australian cursing through Sydney noonhour traffic later and we arrived at The Aspire in Darling Harbour.
Ryan was a little testy about getting incorrect directions, and secretly I think he was still hungover from getting totally plastered with the boys the night before last. Then the chick at the desk was a total idiot and couldn't make his card work, so we put it on my card. Then she gave me the room key - 108. Normally I don't like taking rooms on the first floor but at this point I just wanted air conditioning and lunch fucking ASAP.
We walk into the room and see three beds - a queen and two twins. I ask if Ryan had booked this on purpose in hopes of staging some kind of sexy party for tonight but he just laughed and grumbled something and crashed on one of the twin beds. Meh, whatever, party bed room it is. Turns out the queen bed was a total piece of shit so we joked about sleeping on the 2 twins 1950s style.
After a bit of cricket, a lie down in a cool room and some leftover bbq chicken we were refreshed and ready to hit the town. We started at the Sydney market which is like the Chinese night markets I visited in Taiwan only they were way way way less crowded, the prices weren't quite as cheap ($10 for a shirt instead of $3) and it was more kangaroos and koalas than D&G and Chanel knock offs.
With a cute new mu mu dress and an Aussie fridge magnet to add to my collection, we headed to the harbour and hopped on the Sydney ferry. For about $10 for two people, it's the fastest and least stressful way to get around the pretty touristy area in the harbour. We arrived at the Opera House and I was SO STOKED.
I've wanted to go to Australia since I was a kid, and especially over the past 5 or so years, any time I was unhappy with a job or a situation I was in I kind of visualized myself running away to Australia and standing in front of the Opera House with a triumphant "mwa ahahaha" - this dream came true for me, and in the best possible circumstances. :-)
Beautiful sunny day, in my favourite green skirt and fancy havianas, full of bbq chicken and on the arm of my Australian manwhich, waltzing into the Opera House for an architectural/ historical/ very nerdy tour - a very happy girl.
Two drawbacks - we waited in line for EONS because the dude at the ticket desk was having some kind of fight with someone on the phone named Veronica. At one point a dude near the front of the line shouted "FUCK VERONICA, I just want a fucking ticket!" I love this about Australians. <3 The second drawback was that we wouldn't be able to see the main stage during the tour, the big beautiful awe-inspring one, because Jimmy Buffet is using it to rehearse for his performance later that night. I love Jimmy Buffet and all the childhood memories I have with his music as the soundtrack, so I forgave him for taking a little of the luster off my Opera House moment. :-P
The tour was rad, and even though parts of it were really nerdy and kind of girly (like crap about ballet and art) Ryan totally blew me away with how into it he was. Not only was it amazing to share that tour with him couple-wise, but it was really cool to see him inspecting the tile work and admiring the lack of bubbles in the concrete or the type of wood they use along the walls. *sigh* so dreamy.
High on Opera House fever, we left and headed to a pub for a drink... or three. :-D Watched some cricket at a nearby patio and noticed a theme of 50somethings wearing Hawaiian shirts. In the toilet I learned that the 20 or so floral-patterned friends were headed to the same Jimmy Buffet concert, and were a dedicated fan group called The Parrotheads.
We walked back into Chinatown and got down on some serious sushi for dinner, pretty expensive but very very yummy. Got a bit lost walking back to the hotel but we managed to figure it out with the map we grabbed from the hotel lobby.
Back in the room Ryan passed out almost right away while I watched "Australia" on the tv, probably on in honour of upcoming Australia Day on the 26th. Please note, "Australia" is such a shit movie, even Hugh Jackman's hotness couldn't salvage how shitty Nicole Kidman's performance was. Earlier in the day I'd learned on my Opera House tour that she didn't even act in the Sydney Theatre Group, they delegated her to handing out programmes before the shows.
My back ached from watching the movie on the shitty queen bed and I went to bed, seeing that Ryan had pushed our two twin beds together, although mine which was closest to the patio door was about 4 inches higher than his. So cute. <3
At some point in the night, I wake up to Ryan yelling "There's a fucking crock on the bed over there!! Fucking Dean [his brother]"
"Baby, are you talking in your sleep??"
"oh fuck" mumble mumble mumble....
Later on in the night I wake up to "OI, WHAT???!?!?!?!?!?" in the scariest loud voice I've ever heard Ryan use. I sleepily roll off my stomach and ask him what the fuck and hear this THUMP run run run - he says "there's someone trying to get in the room." :-|
Apparently he woke up hearing a noise on the balcony and saw a shadow of someone right outside the sliding glass door of our first floor room. I freak out and ask if he locked the door before bed and he says "yeah, I didn't even go out there" and when he gets up to check he finds that THE DOOR IS OPEN BY TWO INCHES. That's right, a total psycho was outside our room, three feet away from me separated only by an open sliding glass door as I slept face down in my la senza G-banger. WHAT THE FUCK.
Ryan called reception to tell them about it and the dude was alarmingly nonchalant on the phone, asking if we wanted to call the police or not. Super weird, but we were totally tired and he just told them to fucking sort it out so he could sleep. And then we laid there like Bart Simpson on the Simpson's Halloween episode with the whites of our eyes blinking in terror in the dark.
At this point I think it's important to consider the hypotheticals:
- Ryan usually sleeps like a corpse, except that he snores loud enough to wake the dead. HOW THE FUCK did he hear that noise (that I slept through) and wake up to yell and scare the bad guy away??
- How the fuck did that sliding glass door get opened if neither of us opened it?? Obviously there would be someone in the room at like 4 in the morning - did one of the housekeeping staff knowingly crack the door so I could get stabbed and murdered in the night??
Aaaanyways, possible homicides aside, we had a good sleep in the next morning, threw a shitstorm at reception and payed $100 for our regular priced $170 room.
Parked the car and headed back to the harbour to check out The Endeavour, the replica of the ship Captain Cook was on when he discovered New Zealand was 2 islands and New Holland AKA Australia was a rad new continent. This is pretty much the cream of the crop for me in terms of historical awesomeness and I relished every single second. Ryan, once again, wowed me with all the questions he asked the adorable elderly museum volunteer tour guides and we had a total blast crawling around the decks.
Walking off the boat and coming down off the Captain Cook high we realized the ungodly heat - overcast but for some reason I was dripping sweat from everywhere. Time for a drink and some lunch.
We ended up picking a snazzy harbourside restaurant called El Toro and had this Turkish exchange student waiter who would come to the table to take our drink order, bitch about the heat, bring drinks and bitch about the heat, bring the food and bitch about the heat - you get the idea. It was so hot my margarita on the ice didn't even dent my overheatedness and when I got up from my plastic chair I found that I left an EPIC PUDDLE OF SWEAT. I laughed and showed Ryan and as we walked away, the Turkish waiter saw it and doubled over laughing with a disgusted cringe. yucky. :-P
As we left the restaurant we saw our ferry to go to the zoo so we ran like hell to catch it - nauseating and super not awesome in the blistering heat with guts full of booze and fish and chips. By the time we got the ferry over to the terminal to transfer to the zoo we decided it was too late in the day and just way way way too fucking hot to go to the zoo so we went back to the car and had an easy drive home singing to Triple J on the radio and eating Milo ice cream treats.
Morals of the story:
1) Don't get a room on the first floor if you can help it, even if you're hot and bitchy and tired, don't take it.
2) Always always always check that your patio door is shut and locked before you go to bed.
3) Sydney has terrible traffic, tons and tons and tons of Chinese people and also at least one potential rapist. It's also home to the coolest Captain Cook experience ever and the Opera House - a mix of real real bad and real real good.
4) There is nothing better than splashing around the pool in Ryan's parents back yard, the dog barking and happy, picking passion fruit off his mum's tree, chucking it at each other and eating it over ice cream while I'm wrapped in a sun-warmed towel, listening to the happy sound of nothing that is Mt Illwara, just outside of Wollongong. Did I mention I really really like it here??
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Aaand the Pity Party is Over
Hey! Remember that time when I left Victoria last November and cried real bad because I thought I was saying "goodbye for life" instead of "see you later!!"?
Or when I drank so hard in Queenstown that I swore off booze for life and cried to everyone?
Yeah, yesterday was one of those.
False alarm everyone - turns out I won't die when I finish my 3 month holiday and start a new page back in Victoria.
After crying all over this blog, I went to Shell Harbour and chucked the stick around with the dog, swam around with my Australian boyfriend and realized - Hey!! I can do this as much as I want when I come back!! And I can also do this in Canada this summer, even if I have a day job!
Shout out to Jennifer and Kristy for another fantastic knit night - look forward to ACTUALLY knitting with you girls when I'm back this summer. <3
Or when I drank so hard in Queenstown that I swore off booze for life and cried to everyone?
Yeah, yesterday was one of those.
False alarm everyone - turns out I won't die when I finish my 3 month holiday and start a new page back in Victoria.
After crying all over this blog, I went to Shell Harbour and chucked the stick around with the dog, swam around with my Australian boyfriend and realized - Hey!! I can do this as much as I want when I come back!! And I can also do this in Canada this summer, even if I have a day job!
Shout out to Jennifer and Kristy for another fantastic knit night - look forward to ACTUALLY knitting with you girls when I'm back this summer. <3
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Reality Bites
I suppose there comes a point in every travelers journey where they realize that living the good life is fucking expensive. I have reached that point. And it blows.
After deciding to turn south, away from the flooding in Queensland, Ryan and I spent a night at his cousin's place in Newcastle. Waking up at 7am to the sound of a screaming aerobics instructor at the gym across the street and stretching out the cramps from sleeping on another less-than-ideal pull out couch, it was the first time I missed my own bed since doing the dorm circuit in NZ.
From Newcastle we headed to Canberra to visit Ryan's brother. Stayed the night in a rad hotel, although it was in a handicapped suite, then changed hotels the next day so we could be in the same one as them as we were planning a big night out on the town. And indeed, we did get very very very drunk. Went to this bar which was like 6 stories with a pub on the first floor, a billiards hall on the 2nd, sexy lounge on the 3rd, disco disco club on the 4th and other bars as you go up.
I'm not sure when we went to another club but we did, and Ryan's brother's girlfriend and I hit the dance floor and we were all taking mad shots and there are photos of us licking people's faces and.... yeah. Reeeeeaally hammered. :-)
As I was too drunk to pull the blinds the night before, I woke up to the hot Canberra sun burning directly into my eyes like the wrath of God. So so hungover. Had a cold bath and crawled to the brother's house for laundry and recovery on the couch.
Next day was the day of EPIC historical adventures - went to the Canberra Gallery Museum, the National Library, Captain Cook Memorial and the War Memorial. Highlights include checking out rad paintings inspired by Ned Kelly (national icon, convict bad ass), reading copies of Captain Cook's journals from his trip on the Endeavor, lots of photo ops.
Did some mad outlet shopping the next day (I bought a $1 belt and 3 shirts for $10) and drove back to Wollongong for some free internet. Crazy - I didn't check my email or Facebook for 5 days, probably the longest I've ever gone in several years... hm. Had a nice relaxing day yesterday taking the dog to the beach, collecting shells, cruising around and heading to the pub for a few.
Today marked a sharp change - I have officially been gleefully unemployed for 3 months. I've been in Australia for almost a month, many nights spent on the cheap at Ryan's parents or relatives house. However, when checking my bank account today to pay off my credit card I came to a shocking realization - this kind of life is expensive. I still have tons of cash to burn but those of you reading this know me, and know that I have an intense phobia of poverty and debt. I am far from desperate but it's reached a point where I now have to make some big girl choices. And it fucking sucks. ><
On the bright side, Ryan also checked his bank shit online and misery loves company. We sat there, both looking at our laptops, and had a good moment of silence to pout. A hard, fierce, 4-year-old-going-to-bed-early pout.
So, as it stands at the moment, he's scheduled to fly back to Canada on Feb 2nd. We're talking about bumping that up to the 21st, with me coming back to Canada then as well. I KNOW. ><
Yes, we could go up to Queensland and volunteer to clean up after the flooding, living on the cheap cheap cheap. I causally mentioned this idea to my Dad in an email and received a sharp reply about snake phobias and sacrificing my safety for Ryan's potential work opportunities. Hm.
Will we go up to Queensland and the Gold Coast? Will we help out with flood stuff? Is it worth burning extra cash to keep this thing going for a few more weeks? And what about when I get back to Canada - where will I work? Where will I live? Blech.
After deciding to turn south, away from the flooding in Queensland, Ryan and I spent a night at his cousin's place in Newcastle. Waking up at 7am to the sound of a screaming aerobics instructor at the gym across the street and stretching out the cramps from sleeping on another less-than-ideal pull out couch, it was the first time I missed my own bed since doing the dorm circuit in NZ.
From Newcastle we headed to Canberra to visit Ryan's brother. Stayed the night in a rad hotel, although it was in a handicapped suite, then changed hotels the next day so we could be in the same one as them as we were planning a big night out on the town. And indeed, we did get very very very drunk. Went to this bar which was like 6 stories with a pub on the first floor, a billiards hall on the 2nd, sexy lounge on the 3rd, disco disco club on the 4th and other bars as you go up.
I'm not sure when we went to another club but we did, and Ryan's brother's girlfriend and I hit the dance floor and we were all taking mad shots and there are photos of us licking people's faces and.... yeah. Reeeeeaally hammered. :-)
As I was too drunk to pull the blinds the night before, I woke up to the hot Canberra sun burning directly into my eyes like the wrath of God. So so hungover. Had a cold bath and crawled to the brother's house for laundry and recovery on the couch.
Next day was the day of EPIC historical adventures - went to the Canberra Gallery Museum, the National Library, Captain Cook Memorial and the War Memorial. Highlights include checking out rad paintings inspired by Ned Kelly (national icon, convict bad ass), reading copies of Captain Cook's journals from his trip on the Endeavor, lots of photo ops.
Did some mad outlet shopping the next day (I bought a $1 belt and 3 shirts for $10) and drove back to Wollongong for some free internet. Crazy - I didn't check my email or Facebook for 5 days, probably the longest I've ever gone in several years... hm. Had a nice relaxing day yesterday taking the dog to the beach, collecting shells, cruising around and heading to the pub for a few.
Today marked a sharp change - I have officially been gleefully unemployed for 3 months. I've been in Australia for almost a month, many nights spent on the cheap at Ryan's parents or relatives house. However, when checking my bank account today to pay off my credit card I came to a shocking realization - this kind of life is expensive. I still have tons of cash to burn but those of you reading this know me, and know that I have an intense phobia of poverty and debt. I am far from desperate but it's reached a point where I now have to make some big girl choices. And it fucking sucks. ><
On the bright side, Ryan also checked his bank shit online and misery loves company. We sat there, both looking at our laptops, and had a good moment of silence to pout. A hard, fierce, 4-year-old-going-to-bed-early pout.
So, as it stands at the moment, he's scheduled to fly back to Canada on Feb 2nd. We're talking about bumping that up to the 21st, with me coming back to Canada then as well. I KNOW. ><
Yes, we could go up to Queensland and volunteer to clean up after the flooding, living on the cheap cheap cheap. I causally mentioned this idea to my Dad in an email and received a sharp reply about snake phobias and sacrificing my safety for Ryan's potential work opportunities. Hm.
Will we go up to Queensland and the Gold Coast? Will we help out with flood stuff? Is it worth burning extra cash to keep this thing going for a few more weeks? And what about when I get back to Canada - where will I work? Where will I live? Blech.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Highway to the Danger Zone
After a blissful and relaxing New Years and trip south to Cronulla, Narooma and Bendalong, Ryan and I are now on the road north.
The trip to the South was about 5 nights, camping out in church parking lots and staying at his uncle's holiday trailer park. Lots of fun chasing kangaroos, petting and feeding stingrays, listening to lorikeets, parrots and kookaburras. Drinking a lot of rum, visiting with the cousins and the uncles and aunties, lawn bowling - good wholesome fun. :-)
As we were leaving Narooma, we learned that one of Ryan's cousins had their car break down and Ryan's Dad decided to sell them the commodore aka the party wagon we were traveling in. Ryan was a bit stressed at this point as we were without a free car, and he'd rather chew his own face off than rent one for us to drive around in.
Luckily one of Ryan's oldest friends Chappo had a car he was leasing that needed to get more miles put on it (Yeah, I don't really get it either...) so he offered to lend it to Ryan and I so we could travel up north to Queensland - sweet!!
Oh no wait....
Some of you may have been hearing about Queensland flooding in the news. When we woke up at his parents house this morning, packing up the car to leave, we see on the news that there was a flash flood in Towumba and so far 8 people have been found dead. These folks had no warning and now we're hearing that Brisbane is getting evacuated. Ho. Ly. Shit.
We hit the road anyways, drove for about 3 hours and stopped at a pub in Shoal Bay. It was pretty weird being the only Canadian in the room standing around the tv with locals watching the news come in about this being the worst flooding in 30 years. The rain has been super bad in Queensland and even here in NSW it's been overcast and shitty, the gorgeous white sand beaches aren't as rad as usual.
So Ryan's a bit let down that he can't show me all the good things that he wanted to. But he knows that I'm down to do whatever and I'm just happy to chill out, see the sights in Sydney or head south. We're also loosely talking about heading back here in a few months to help with the rebuilding.
At this point we're basically chilling out at his uncles' place in Shoal Bay, watching the news and judging if we should push on up the coast or head back. The Premier just issued a statement saying to stay the fuck out of Brisbane so we may be heading back South in a couple days.
Info on flooding
The trip to the South was about 5 nights, camping out in church parking lots and staying at his uncle's holiday trailer park. Lots of fun chasing kangaroos, petting and feeding stingrays, listening to lorikeets, parrots and kookaburras. Drinking a lot of rum, visiting with the cousins and the uncles and aunties, lawn bowling - good wholesome fun. :-)
As we were leaving Narooma, we learned that one of Ryan's cousins had their car break down and Ryan's Dad decided to sell them the commodore aka the party wagon we were traveling in. Ryan was a bit stressed at this point as we were without a free car, and he'd rather chew his own face off than rent one for us to drive around in.
Luckily one of Ryan's oldest friends Chappo had a car he was leasing that needed to get more miles put on it (Yeah, I don't really get it either...) so he offered to lend it to Ryan and I so we could travel up north to Queensland - sweet!!
Oh no wait....
Some of you may have been hearing about Queensland flooding in the news. When we woke up at his parents house this morning, packing up the car to leave, we see on the news that there was a flash flood in Towumba and so far 8 people have been found dead. These folks had no warning and now we're hearing that Brisbane is getting evacuated. Ho. Ly. Shit.
We hit the road anyways, drove for about 3 hours and stopped at a pub in Shoal Bay. It was pretty weird being the only Canadian in the room standing around the tv with locals watching the news come in about this being the worst flooding in 30 years. The rain has been super bad in Queensland and even here in NSW it's been overcast and shitty, the gorgeous white sand beaches aren't as rad as usual.
So Ryan's a bit let down that he can't show me all the good things that he wanted to. But he knows that I'm down to do whatever and I'm just happy to chill out, see the sights in Sydney or head south. We're also loosely talking about heading back here in a few months to help with the rebuilding.
At this point we're basically chilling out at his uncles' place in Shoal Bay, watching the news and judging if we should push on up the coast or head back. The Premier just issued a statement saying to stay the fuck out of Brisbane so we may be heading back South in a couple days.
Info on flooding
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