Can-brrrrrrr-aaaaah!

Bombed out of our minds, Alex and I stand shivering in our short shorts under a cut-up sheet of yellow plastic that used to be a rain poncho. We're standing on the steps of the Australia National Treasury near Parliament House wearing our green and blue wigs and it's pissing rain. We're attempting to flee the Foreshore festival and get to a warm house party; the phone number for the taxis is busy, the lineup for cabs is more than an hour long. Alex's pretty blue eyes look at me and say, "Fuck, we're stuck Anna."

Rewind to 24ish hours before and Ryan is dropping me off at the bus stop in Albion Park. It's pissing rain, as it has been for the past 4 days, and as he keeps me company in the warm truck we see the Murray bus fly by 15 minutes before it's due to depart. Wtf.

We head over to the actual bus stop and stand in the pouring rain and the post man comes by on his scooter and tells us we've just missed the bus. I'm a bit of a stickler when it comes to being early for flights, buses etc. so this pisses me off a bit. While Ryan is getting on the phone with the bus company, a young girl gets dropped off by her mum and kindly shares her umbrella with me. And then another bus comes by and actually stops, the driver collecting my name and luggage like nothing weird is going on whatsoever. And this is how I leave for Canberra.

Macquarie Pass is terrifying, like Cathedral Grove only the narrow winding road through the massive forrest is scaling a cliff. Last year, when I came down the pass it seemed like a magical sunny eucalyptus-scented wonderland. Going up the pass in the torrential rain reminded me of that scene from Bram Stoker's Dracula where Keanu is taking a terrifying carriage through Transylvania to the count's castle and it's all doom and gloom. Some of you may know that I don't do well with heights and cliffs and things so when the bus started backing up towards the edge to manoever a hairpin turn in the road you can imagine my white-knuckled horror.

Past the pass, the bus ride was pleasant and quiet and when I arrived in downtown Canberra Alex came down from work to meet me and pick up my bags. She wasn't off work for another two hours so me and my copy of In a Sunburned Country had lunch together; fresh perch, salad and a glass of white for $18 and it was so so soooooo good. :-)

Alex and I meet up, zip around the mall looking for rain ponchos for the festival tomorrow. It's been raining for 5 days straight and had no indication of stopping anytime soon. So we head to Big W (Aussie Wal Mart) - sold out of ponchos. We call Bunnings (Aussie Home Depot) - sold out of ponchos AND gum boots. As a last minute idea we run downstairs through the massive mall and head to the dollar store - a fresh shipment will arrive in 5 minutes. I call this Lucky Strike #1.

Armed with our blue and yellow ponchos for $2.50, we grab groceries and a movie (Dear John,  super mushy romance but not too bad!) and head to her parent's house. We drive past the airport... and past the small town of Queenbeyan... and into the bush... and we start seeing rolling hills and kangaroos hopping around... and 20 minutes later we get to her farm. This place is gorgeous. Alpacas, chooks (Aussie chickens), horses, koi pond, beautiful newly-renovated farm house - heaven.

I awake at 7am to the sound of terrifying pounding rain. Most houses in Aus have tin roofs so the sound of the rain is very soothing, except this morning when we are headed to an outdoor music festival and it`s hammering down like the wrath of Thor. We make a giant omelette, shower, do makeup all the while pretending there's nothing wrong with what's going on outside; we put on the green and blue wigs I scored in Hong Kong and do final touches... and then we step outside and it's sunny and 30 degrees. WTF. I call this Lucky Strike #2.
Drive an hour to a pre-party at her friend Jamie's house where 30 or so people are already way way way into it. It's 11am. I crack into the cans of Canadian Club (pre-mixed whisky and dry (ginger ale)) and make friends with the group, helping a sweet young chubby dude do up his yellow bra, he's so excited it's his first ever music festival. I instantly bond with the girls as they make preparations to bring party favours into the festival in very intimate and horrific ways. For the faint of heart I'll make some serious edits here and just skip to when we all jump into a massive number of cabs.

On Parliament Lawn there is usually an ongoing camp of Aboriginees protesting land rights; on this particular day this had somehow been displaced by a far more "savage" gathering - thousands of wasted twenty-somethings. Cops, security dogs, girls dressed like trailer-prostitues, shirtless chumps in neon short shorts - everywhere.

We're herded through three checkpoints and enter the festival. Quick stop at the free sunscreen tent, then the bar for double orders of bundy cans (Coke and Bundaberg rum) and we're off to see Raw City, a Run DMC-style band. Several members are part of Alex's crew so we all chill there and kick things off. LMFAO was also playing during this time slot on another stage so it was kind of nice to mostly have the area to ourselves to enjoy the local group. Rad remix of Daft Punk's Technologic and a dancing robot comes out with some sick dance moves.

Fast forward and we're watching Salt and Pepa, but this large and in charge lesbian lady starts getting all up on Alex's situation so we quickly flee, then run into some people and get distracted and take off. I discover later that yellow-bra-boy got up on stage and dry humped Pepa. Not bad for your first festival.

Fast forward again and we're watching Armin Van Burin. At this stage Alex and I are well on it and dancing up a storm, run into some of her friends who are off their dials and say they want to head to the toilet. So we wander some more, watching her funny friends drunkenly peck at each other. Run into AJ, the lead rapper or whatever from Raw City. "Wigs!" he exclaims, and we all have a chill on the grass together, go for a wander, stroll over to the games area where there's all these carney-type stalls set up. Knock down the bottles win a prize etc. etc. Now, Australians love to gamble so I half expected this or some kind of pokeys (slot machines) but AJ hooks into it and wins - his choice of $5 or a stuffed snake. Stuffed snake of course!!

It's 4pm-ish and it starts to rain a little so we head to this tiki-party tent thing for bevvies. And then it starts to really rain, but then it stops. We head back out and I feel petting on my head. I was a bit used to it by this point as we'd been getting ogled and groped and complimented and requested for photos all day. However, it turns out this particular gentleman decides to rip my green wig off the top of my head, multiple hair pins and all. Before I know it I've buried my knee thigh-deep in this guy's groin and he's writhing on the ground while the crowd goes wild. Kung fu Chris would be so proud. :-)

Making a quick escape Alex and I flee to another tent while AJ splits off with another group. And then it really really starts raining. We dance to some kind of drum-and-bass nonsense for a bit and feel the crowd behind us swelling, realizing that the weather won't be changing any time soon. Alex gets a text from AJ that's he's taking off and headed to an after party. We contemplate toughing it out for a bit but decide to get warm and dry at a house party vs. derive our heat Emperor Penguin-style by huddling against the masses.

Fleeing to the Chlamydia testing tent, I tear along the side seam of my yellow rain poncho, as the blue one was used earlier as a picnic blanket against the mud. We now have a rain cover fort for two - kind of. I feel at this point I should clearly illustrate that a) We still had green and blue wigs on, b) We were wearing shorts, runners and thin shirts, c) We had no idea where to go to get a cab, d) The rain is biblical and, very appropriately, e) We were smashed.

And so there we are, in front of the Treasury, trying to think our way ahead of the thousands of others just like us who are cold, wet, wasted and trying to escape the festival via cab. And we did it.

I say to Alex and her Kalaedoscope eyes that we're going to walk to the city to try to get a cab there and we can stop in shops along the way to warm up. Huddled under our flimsy yellow tarp we start walking. As the wind blows it kind of smothers our faces, like how you tell kids not to play with plastic bags, and I'm vaguely amused by this when we come upon a couple people from the house earlier this morning. A very cold pale girl is shivering with a dude who is wearing the bottom half of the Raw City robot costume and a guy with his back to us is on the phone cursing like a sailor. Apparently his name is Toddy and he's on the phone with his mum trying to get a lift. We step a bit closer like a couple of rain-soaked crows and try to get in on this situation like it's a fresh bag of garbage.

In hindsight I'd like to refer to this gentleman as Hot Toddy. Not because he was attractive, but because he was a solution to the cold November rain like a warm cinnamon beverage. But mostly because he had a raging hot terrifying temper. After listening to a string of terrifying verbal abuse against his mum, I look at Alex and say "lets walk to the city" and we get moving. And, as we're heading to the same house party, Toddy follows... only that's not exactly the right word as he's walking in front of us in a blind rage.

Cabs continue to fly past us, headed to the masses waiting in line further up the street, until Toddy grabs two pineapple notes out of his wallet ($100) and stands in front of a cab at an intersection. And it stops. And lets us in. Basking in the warm dry apholstry, we cruise away like Indiana Fucking Jones as the cops are yelling behind us about taking down the cab number and fining the driver. We all laugh triumphantly and get warm... I call this Lucky Strike #3.

We're off to Jamie's house to pick up our overnight bags, Toddy going to pick up his grog (booze) and he gets his mum to come pick us up so she can give us a ride to the afterparty - Lucky Strike #4.

The lady who came to pick us up, Toddy's mum, was pretty much Eric Cartman's mum from South Park... only with an Australian accent. Alex and I, still reeling and shivering, quietly sit in the back as Toddy has a full on rager in the front seat and his mum chirps along happy as a turtledove. We tell her we'll keep an eye on Toddy for her and she looks just so ecstatc.

We arrive at the house party at around 8pm, and I use the term house party pretty loosely here. Yes there's several young people gathered at the same place, and there's beverages and chatting... but we were all dressed in various forms of pajamas and athletic wear (Alex and I apparently the only people who had the foresight to pack a pair of jeans)... and they're all huddling together for warmth and chain smoking... and also still completely zonked out on whatever they've been rolling on all day.

I shit you not, this state remained exactly the same for about 5 hours. People got up to fix drinks etc. etc. some of the Raw City folks were spinning records jumping around in their underwear, but for the most part the ladies I was sitting with just kind of sat around with spiral eyes like on Looney Tunes. As for the boys...
While we're sitting around, the boys play spin the bottle... except when it lands on a chick they quickly move it over to a dude and go over and start pashing (passionate kiss). This goes on for like an hour, and dudes are running around in their underwear and humping walls and each other... but completely leaving the hens alone. It kind of reminded me of Ryan's dog Jimmy when he gets excited about going in the truck or something and he starts humping the air.

Around 1pm the party kind of tapers out and I'm wondering where the hell we're going to sleep... and of course Toddy offers us up the couches!! Lucky Strike #5. When he calls the cab, he actually just calls one of his friends who's a cab driver and gets a price quote on the phone which is a little weird. I sleepily and cheerfully offer a pineapple note to him and he smiles and declines, going outside to wait for the ride so Alex and I can stay warm on the couch. As this happens his buddy laughs at us and says, ``don`t give him any cash! He`s a fucking dealer, he can shout it!``   aaaaaaaaaah. I see.

On the way home Toddy angrily tells the driver that he`s shown up late and the guy profusely apologises, so now he has to take us through the McDonald`s drive through because the girls are hungry. Ok. Alex and Toddy get cheeseburgers and I order a hot apple pie - working nights at McDs teaches you to never, ever order meat after 9pm. She says there`s a wait on the apple pie, would I like an sundae. And Toddy explodes. ``You fucking `ranger (Orangutan, ginger, red haired person) bitch. Get in there and do your fucking job`` And the poor girl goes to make me a sundae and tells me to have a nice evening with a face like a deflated balloon.

As we get to Toddy`s house, he`s going off to us about how all his friends use him for money and he had this fiancee and she just used him for money etc. etc. ... as he forks over another note to pay for the cab. We get into the house, which is a duplex, and it`s really well decorated with new furnishings. Toddy takes time to show us his two mastiffs, the (expensive) Foxtel channels, and sets us up on the couches... it's very clear to me now that Toddy takes care of the bills around here, especially when he paid for the cab and had a fist full of notes that I'd seriously estimate at a few thousand bucks.

How here's the really weird part: after he shoes me and Alex around the house and the couches we're sleeping on.... he leaves us alone and goes to his room to sleep.

Now lets be honest here and look at the facts: I learn this gentleman has some cash to throw around and is a psychopath with serious rage issues, and yes, Alex and I made the decision to sleep at his house. Call me an idiot, but I somehow knew since he got us that cab that he wouldn`t try to beat-rape us. Maybe he smelled that Alex and I were girlfriends (although to other dudes who we completely failled to mention the entire day) and he just wanted companionship. Maybe he lost his nerve at the last minute or something. Maybe he`s just a big scary mastiff with a loud bark that just wants to sniff butts. Who knows.

What I do know is that Toddy single-handedly saved me and Alex multiple times that day and thank him for his kindness.... even though we were the only people he was kind to that day.

The next morning his mum drives us to Jamie`s to collect the cars; she says she has a brother in Canada and asks me if I know anyone by the last name of Roberts. What a sweet lady. :-) We give Toddy hugs and thank him for being our champion. And with a wink and a "no worries" he's gone and Alex and I cruise back to her farm in Burra.